A New Style of Education - Part 26

by:	Karen Page

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Rating: G	Add Review	Added: 05/21/2007
Complete: no
Synopsis:	It is too easy to say something you shouldn't while retelling an emotional part of your past.
Categories:	Crossdressing / TV  School Girl
Keywords:

A New Style of Education
by Karen Page

If you haven't read A Strange Attraction to Concrete Cows it would be advisable before reading this chapter.

Part 26

Jill closed her eyes and began to describe in detail the events following her mother's death.

* * *

Mum was dead. How could this happen so quickly? Yesterday she'd found out about Jill and she didn't freak. I had hope that with Anna and Erika gone, I could still learn the lessons I needed to learn; and admittedly, enjoy. Now there was no one. The only people who knew were Anna, Erika and Beth. Anna and Erika had been snatched away, and Beth was lying in a coma.

Mums words as she lay dying drifted through my grief stricken brain, 'You must tell Dad about Jill'. How could I do that? Dad was a very open and understanding person, but he'd just lost his wife and his daughter was lying unconscious. How could I tell him that his son liked dressing as a girl? No, it was best that Jill died with mum. I could be Bill. I HAD TO be Bill for everyone. Mum had the right idea about adapting clothes. I'd been sure that with a bit of thought, I could do it.

I raised my head and wiped away the tears. Stacey, the kind nurse who'd made sure I was okay, had disappeared and left us alone in our grief. Dad was crying like I'd never seen before. He'd lost his true love and his life will never be the same. Mum had been his soul mate. Even when they weren't together, they still so obviously had feelings for each other. The way Mum dropped everything to rush to nurse him better when he'd been attacked and the obvious sorrow of having to leave him again told me that. I could tell she'd been so torn between wanting to be with him and the need to protect us from whatever secret they had. Was it Julia, or something else?

What would I do now? How would we live without Mum? Would we live with Dad or would we again be parted from him? What would happen to me and Beth? Why did she have to die? Why? Life was so unfair.

"Mr Toms?" eventually prodded a nurse who looked more senior than Stacey. I hadn't heard her come in and by Dad's reaction, neither had he.

"Yes?" he eventually replied, his voice sounding soft and highly emotional.

"When you are ready, let me know. I need to go through some things with you."

"I suppose now's as good a time as any," he said, his eyes never having left his departed wife and love.

I felt a bit in the way. I really didn't want to leave my Mum, but the longer I was next to her, the longer I realised that she was no longer there, just her body.

"Can I go and see Beth?" I suddenly blurted out, not wanting to know the details of what was going to happen to Mum. I wanted to remember her as a kind and loving person and not a corpse.

"I'll take Bill to see her if you like?" offered Stacey, surprising me with her sudden appearance. She looked different and it took me a moment to realise she was out of uniform.

"Are you sure?" Dad asked.

"It would be my pleasure. He has been such a brave boy and it would be best he is with the living."

"Oh, I see what you mean," said Dad, giving a dazed nod. "I'm not really with it at the moment. Why don't you go to see Beth and I'll sort out what needs to be done here. I think you have done very well Bill. I'm proud of you."

Stacey took me by my arm and led me out into the corridor, down a flight of stairs and out into a courtyard.

"What are we doing out here?" I asked as we walked into the cold winter weather.

"You have been stuck in a room helping your mother pass-on with her family. She died in peace knowing love. You need a bit of fresh air, then we'll get a little to eat ..."

"I'm not hungry," I interrupted.

"... and when I think you've eaten enough," continued Stacey, "I will take you to see your sister."

"But ..."

"No buts, it's got to be butter," joked Stacey, taking the wind out of my sails. "Look, you need to be strong for your Dad. By the looks of things, he made a big personal sacrifice to please his wife during her death."

"What do you mean?"

"Never mind. Look, let's go and raid the canteen."

The canteen wasn't far away and I was furnished with a chicken curry. It was rather bland, but Stacey said I wasn't allowed to leave until I'd eaten at least half. During the meal Stacey didn't say much, which I was rather grateful about. As I ate, I tried to block out the picture of my Mum lying on a hospital bed, tubes attached and her slowly, but with certainty, dying.

"Photos help," said Stacey.

"What?"

"Photographs. They help you remember the person as they were, rather than the picture of them dying. Do you have photographs of her?"

"Oh yes, I have plenty of photographs," I smiled weakly, thinking of the piles of photo albums in the cupboard. "I just wish there were more of us all together. This year Dad has been away with work."

"Your Dad has probably changed a bit over the last year," warned Stacey. "Just be patient with him, as he probably will have a lot of guilt over his wife's death. Even though he isn't to blame, he'll probably wish he'd been with her over the last year."

"Oh," I said, wondering what she was talking about. "Why are you out of uniform?"

"My shift finished a little bit ago. However I wanted to stay. It helps if there is continuity of treatment."

"Thanks," I said wondering how much extra time she'd put in. Now she was putting in extra, looking after me. My thanks didn't seem enough, but I'd no idea what else to say.

"Are you finished?"

"I think so."

"Okay. Let's go find Beth."

Beth. At long last I'd see my sister. After Anna and Erika, Beth was the one other person in the world that knew about Jill. She didn't mind, sort of understood and, most importantly, had helped me when I asked for it. She never told tales on me and when the chips were down, would stand by me till the end. In some ways I missed Beth more than Anna and Erika. Last year I'd been without my father, my mother was now dead and I didn't know how Beth would be. How could my life get any worse?

"Will she survive?" I asked, as we made our way to see Beth.

"We can ask when we get there," replied Stacey. "Don't forget that Dr Patel said earlier that she was in a coma. I don't work in that ward, so I don't have the latest information."

When we walked into ICU, we had to ring a bell and we were let into the reception area. Here there was a desk with a nurse behind a computer monitor and a corridor leading to, what I presumed to be, where the patients were being treated.

"Hi, you must be Bill," said the nurse as she rose from behind the computer and approached me.

"Yes, how is Beth?" I asked, getting straight to the point.

"Why don't you have a seat, while I see if one of the nurses who are looking after her is available," smiled the nurse. "I understand your Dad will be down shortly."

"Can you stay with me for now?" I asked Stacey.

"I really shouldn't, as this isn't my ward," she said, "but I'll stay for a few moments, till the nurse comes."

"Thanks," I said, taking a seat on a chair. At least this one was padded and not like the monstrosities that were in Surgical Recovery.

"She will be with you in a few minutes," the ICU receptionist said on her return and then went back to hiding behind her monitor.

The minutes passed and a middle-aged nurse appeared. "Hi, I'm Wendy Roberts. I'm one of the nurses who've been taking care of your sister. Since she is in a coma, she's under supervision here, but when she wakes, she'll be moved to a normal ward."

"Oh. Do you know how long it will be before she'll wake up?"

"No," Wendy said in a matter-of-fact manner. "We have to just wait and see. It was only a minor injury and ..." Wendy's pager went off, making me jump.

"If you'll excuse me a minute. I need to just check on something."

With that, she was gone.

"Looks like I'll be here a bit longer," laughed Stacey.

"Sorry."

"It's okay." She paused and then asked in a quieter voice, "Does your Dad know about you?"

"Know what?"

"Since your Mum died, your mind has been elsewhere and you have been acting a lot more feminine. Since you weren't like that when you first came in, I assume it is something you know about and therefore you hide it when you want to."

"Oh," I whispered, a funny feeling swelling up my chest. I suddenly found myself crying buckets of tears. All the control of my emotions over Mum's death was freed as it was replaced by the thought of being exposed to my Dad. It would kill him, finding out about Jill, after how much else he'd just lost. My Dad loved me as Bill and I didn't know how I could take the chance of telling him and losing my only remaining parent. No, I decided I'd be Bill as planned.

"That is behind me now," I sobbed. "I need the love of my father."

"True, some parents aren't understanding, but I'm sure your Dad would be."

"How did you know?"

"You aren't the first person I've met who's dressed like you have and after I'd met a few, I began to see the signs. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. It's just you are young and I thought it would help you to know that you aren't the only one - you aren't alone."

Just then Wendy re-appeared, her face lit up like the Christmas decorations that were rapidly disappearing. "I have some news that will cheer you up," she said, not knowing the reason for me being upset. "Beth has shown signs of starting to coming out of her coma."

"Starting?" I said rubbing the tears from my face with my school sweater. "I thought she would wake up, just as if she'd been asleep."

"No, it's not quite like that. Her mind is showing she is slipping to normal sleep. She will probably wake up for a little time, but slip back to sleep."

"Can I be with her?"

"You shouldn't be alone with her," firmly stated Wendy, obviously following the rulebook.

"Bill wasn't any problem when he was alone with his mother," interceded Stacey. "And this is ICU, where you'll be closely monitoring Beth anyway. How alone could Bill be?"

"I suppose, but ..."

"And his Dad will be here soon. It might help Beth if she hears a familiar voice."

"True, but ..."

"Well that's sorted then," smiled Stacey. She turned to me and said, "Good luck Bill. Now remember what I said about trust."

"Yes Stacey. Thanks."

"Anytime," she waved and disappeared out of ICU and out of my life.

After again being warned that Beth might seem worse than she was, I was taken to see her. There was a vast array of equipment monitoring her due to the coma. It all seemed very clinical, but at least I could see her.

"Hi Sis," I said, taking the seat that had been offered. There was no response. In some ways this seemed just like the scenario that I'd had with Mum seven hours ago. In some ways it seemed like another time, arriving at the hospital and hearing about Mum and Beth. In other ways, it seemed like it just happened.

"Well Sis, today certainly has been a day I never want to go through again. Yesterday afternoon, I thought that day would be the worst I'd ever been through and it turned out to be one of the best. Today, things are just the opposite."

"Keep it happy," said one of the nurses. "Most people find it difficult talking to someone who is non-responsive, but you got straight into it. Have you done it before?"

"I talked to my Mum for hours," I replied, trying not to let my emotions show.

"How is she doing now?"

"She died about an hour ago," I spat. I didn't mean to sound upset or bitter, but I couldn't help it. Was this nurse stupid? My sister was in a coma after being in a car accident with my mum. I blinked, trying to stop the tears but it just seemed to make them come quicker. My Mum, the rock of my life, was dead. I'd been denied my mother's help in my complicated future.

"I'm sorry," said the nurse, coming across to me. "I've just come on shift and wasn't aware what happened. By the way, I'm Ingrid."

"Beth won't die, will she?"

"She is doing very well," carefully informed Ingrid. "The neurologist, who examined her just before you came in, said that she was making good progress."

"Wendy, the nurse I saw earlier, said she was starting to slip out of the coma. I thought she would be awake and talking by now."

"Oh, heck, no. You've been watching too many films. It is a slow process. Her body has suffered a serious trauma and it will have taken a lot of energy out of her. She has a lot of drugs helping her, some of which act as heavy sedatives."

"Oh," I said sadly. I'd hoped to chat with Beth before Dad arrived.

"I'll tell you what; you chat with Beth, which will help her a lot and I will point out different stages of recovery as they occur. It would just bore you if I got all medical on you."

"Thanks," I said, turning back to Beth. She still looked the same as had moments before. Her left arm in plaster and cuts on her face were the only visible signs of the accident. I took her hand into mine and sighed, the whole situation reminded me of what I'd gone through several hours before.

"Why are her eyes taped shut?"

"They'll probably come off soon. If her eyes are left open they'll dry out or get dust in them. You can't blink while in a coma, so we keep them closed."

"Thanks," I said, pondering on all the small details that I'd never have thought of, which must be routine for these staff. I resolved there and then that if she started to come round, I wouldn't leave till she was awake. "Well Beth, I have some exciting news for you, Dad has come to see you. He is just with Mum for a little bit, but will be here shortly. I don't want to give everything away, but he looks a bit different from before. His hair is longer and there are a few other things, but he's still the same person."

I'm sure I felt her hand move slightly against mine. I doubt you could really call it a squeeze, but I'm sure I'd felt something. I looked at her in amazement and was sure I could see a small smile. Perhaps it was my imagination, but I'm sure she was trying to respond. I thought about calling Wendy, who had come into the room, or Ingrid, but didn't really want to disturb them.

Wendy must have noticed my glance around the room and asked, "Are you okay?"

"I think she tried to squeeze my hand," I said becoming excited. "Is that a smile?"

Wendy came across and took a look. "You know, I think you may well be right about that smile. I'm going to remove the tape keeping her eyes shut so she can start to focus as she comes round. Keep talking to her. You are doing great."

Wendy gently removed the tape; however her eyes stayed shut instead of springing open. I was helping my sister. I'd been with my mum when she died and I so wanted to help someone live. If my talking was really helping then I knew I'd talk to her all night if I had to. I again blocked out the rest of the room and gave my total concentration to Beth. Now what would Beth like, ah yes...

"Beth, how would you like to move to Milton Keynes? I hear they have a great shopping centre which is so close. Think of how rubbish the shops are locally to us and how long it takes got get to somewhere where they have a few decent shops. Anna said the other day that she caught the bus into Milton Keynes centre and she was there in fifteen minutes. It seems they have more shops in the one centre than what you've been used to and just opposite is a huge cinema complex, restaurants and enormous indoor ski slope."

I took a breath. There was no response. This was harder work than I thought. Until I'd been shopping with Anna and Erika, I'd tried to avoid shopping, so I wasn't really used to talking about it, especially to someone who wasn't responding.

"If we do move to Milton Keynes, which is likely at least, I will be near Anna and Erika again. Before Anna left, she took an interest in me playing the oboe and I'm thinking about teaching her. Hopefully it is something that we can do together. I've missed her so much since she left and was hoping that we could one day be together, I just never expected it to be so …"

I got another squeeze, this time it was a bit stronger. There was no doubt in my mind that it was her. My sister was regaining consciousness.

"That's it, Beth. Can you hear me? Squeeze my hand again." I encouraged, my voice again rising in pitch as I almost willed her to answer. She didn't and I didn't get another squeeze. She'd always been the more obstinate of the two of us.

"Another squeeze?" asked Wendy.

"Yes. It was a bit stronger this time." I replied without looking up.

"I think I saw a smile," said a familiar voice behind me.

"Dad!" I said with a jump. "I didn't hear you come in."

"I've only been here a few moments and I didn't want to disturb you. You're doing so well and it seems like it is helping your sister."

"Why don't you have a turn," I said as Dad pulled up a chair. "I've been talking nonstop and I'm sure she's tired of listening to me."

"I don't know what to talk about." Dad seemed at a loss as what to say.

"Why don't you tell her about Milton Keynes?" I suggested. "Or some of your trips away?"

"Okay, now let me see. Okay, as you know, I live in Milton Keynes. I've got a three bedroom house in one of the southern areas. Anna and Erika live less than a mile from my house. Apart from my job with Planetwide, I've been helping out by teaching part-time at a school not far away."

"Really?" I interrupted my Dad. "Why didn't you tell us before?"

"Really. I didn't say because you'd want to join and it would have upset you because you couldn't."

"Er, why would I want to go to that school?"

"Because they have a great orchestra which is so good that it goes abroad a few times a year and plays concerts."

"Wow, can I go there?"

"See?" he laughed. "I said you'd want to go, and the answer is no, because the school's full."

"Awws," I said, feeling disappointed. The orchestra at the school I went to was okay, but it was nothing special. The county orchestra was more fun and I was hoping that I would be able to apply to the national youth orchestra, but when there had been an opening for an oboe player, I didn't feel I was ready."

"Are you ready now?"

"I think I'm good enough to try," I said carefully. "Playing with the county orchestra just proved to me that I'm doing better than I thought. Sure the music is harder and the quality expected higher, but I never struggle."

"Well, we'll have to see what opportunities come up to stretch your skills."

I wondered what Dad meant by that. He didn't say anything, but waited for me to finish my thoughts. I never finished them as I was interrupted by a noise coming from the bed. Beth's eyes were flickering as if she was trying to open them, but didn't quite have the energy. I grasped hold of Dad's hand with excitement as we both watched and listened.

"Jill," eventually came a weak voice. It was obviously a great strain and she drifted back to sleep.

"Who's Jill?" Dad asked.

My heart sank. Did he know? His face was inquisitive so he probably didn't know. "A friend of hers," I replied, mentally crossing my fingers.

"I missed so much being away," said Dad sadly, fresh tears in his eyes. "Beth never mentioned her on the phone. I've probably missed so much over the last year."

"It's not your fault," I said, trying to cheer him up. It didn't work as Dad just shook his head, tears falling gently down his face. "I've missed a year of your lives, and the last year of your mum's. I can never regain what I lost."

"Then look forward to the next few years, when the three of us can be together."

* * *

Jill stopped her tale, as she unexpectedly broke down.

"Jill, Jill, it's okay," said Anna, flinging her arms around her distraught partner.

Jill just continued to sob, her body quivering uncontrollably. Nothing Anna or anybody else in the room could say anything to console her.

"What set her off?" Paula whispered to Emma.

It had obviously not been whispered quietly enough, as Jill said, "But we won't spend the next few years together. I will never see my sister again and outside school lessons, I can't see Julia. Julia is just a teacher to me now, not a parent."

"What do you mean?" Wesley asked.

"It's getting late," David interrupted. "Why don't we all go to bed and let Jill recover a bit."

Jessica stared at David intently and said, "Jill, it'll be okay. You'll see your sister again when you finish school."

"No I won't," Jill cried, the tears that had started to dry erupting once again. "We can never see our families again."

The room filled with questions as everybody seemed to want to talk at once. Helen shrugged her shoulders and shouted, "QUIET!" When the hullaballoo decreased she said gravely, "Jill's right, we'll never see our friends and family again."

"Is this a Hayfield Hall rule, or is it the same at The Manor?" Cassandra asked Melissa.

"I'm not aware that we're banned from seeing our family after we've finished," answered Melissa. "I'll ask tomorrow."

"I've just talked to Rachel," David interjected. "She said that she and someone called Ellen will be right down. Who's Ellen?"

"Dr Ellen Hansen is the chief psychiatrist at The Manor," explained Melissa. "Who's Rachel?"

"Rachel is Dr Rachel Ruiz. She is our head psychiatrist."

"So how do you know about it?" Jessica asked Helen.

"On the first day we arrived, David worked it out. He mentioned it to Rachel and she explained it to us. Since study partners don't have secrets, I was told. I was devastated, as I was very close to my family."

"So why didn't you tell us?" demanded Emma.

"Because we were asked not to. Heck, I wasn't ready to be told. Do you think you would have been?"

"No," eventually admitted Emma. "I don't think I'm ready now. I suppose it's too late to change my mind about coming here?"

"Would you really want to leave?" asked Paula in apparent fright.

"I love the school," she said slowly. "But I miss my family, especially my sister Sarah."

There was a sharp rap on the door. Helen looked around and asked, "Everyone ready?"

"Let them in," a few voices said. With no dissenters, Helen opened the door, letting in not just two stonily faced psychiatrists, but the two serious heads of school.