Keeping the Books - 4

by:	Marianne Wright

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Rating: R	Add Review   Read Reviews, Last Review 06/10/07 (1)	Added: 06/10/2007
Complete: yes
Synopsis:	Jeremy leaves his job to becomer Carol and work for his uncle. Secure in his feminine persona Jeremy develops as Carol and falls in love.
Categories:	Crossdressing / TV  Seasonal
Keywords:	Autobiographical

If Pat was lesbian and was wondering about me I could settle it subtly in a public situation. If it was just a friendly invite it would be nice to meet some more people and feel less isolated. In either event it gave me something to do on Friday night rather than sit around my apartment and think about Chuck.

Thursday seemed to take forever. I kept looking at the clock, waiting for 4:00 so I could leave and grab a train to the city. I had dressed carefully that morning. I wanted something I could wear in the office without causing comment but that I could still wear out with Chuck.

That morning after I worked out I used the spinning devil to smooth out my armpits and legs and taking a small pair of scissors trimmed some of my pubic hairs as well. I carefully looked over my face but could find nothing to pluck, and then I showered and powdered and opened my closet.

I started with a pair of control panties. I did not want to wear a gaff. The panties were medium blue with a satin front panel and lace sides. I started to get hard thinking about Chuck's hands sliding down the back of them and had to force myself to be calm. I sat down and carefully slid into a new pair of pantyhose. These were nude with a little bit of sparkle. They had a control top but nude toes and my toenails were a nice bright red.

My choice of bra took a little time because I was still not sure of the top but I ended with a lightly padded brassiere that was plain black with just a little lace between the cups. That meant I was going to have to choose a dark top which helped me choose the rest of the outfit.

I pulled on an emerald green top with a crinkly fabric and a black skirt that was a little short. Nice shoes with a one inch heel and a gold chain finished the outfit. I looked at myself in the mirror and did my makeup. Then I slipped some simple hoops in my ears and started to pack and overnight bag.

It was while packing the bag that I realized that while I had gotten turned on by the thought of Chuck playing with my panties, the act of dressing in women's clothing had for the first time not brought on a shiver or a sense of doing the forbidden. It was as if I was acting naturally.

I sat down at the kitchen table and thought. I had been cross dressing off and on for many years. Starting almost two years earlier I began wearing women's clothing almost all the time I was alone and occasionally when going out. Since mid-September I had lived full time as a woman. Today was the first day I hadn't thought about the difference.

I tried to analyze it the way Dr. Granger would ask me to during our next appointment. It might have been because I was distracted. Maybe the next time I'd feel excited or scared again. Maybe I had grown in some subtle way. I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror. Other than noticing I need to go to the hairdresser again I could see no difference. I shrugged and went over to the office.

I was out of the office, in and out of my apartment and settled on a train to the city by 4:40. I finished reading the paper and watched the river as the sunset. I looked at the people in the train with me and tried to make up stories about them. I did what ever I could to make the train ride go faster.

New York City on a weekday at 5:30 is a total zoo and I am glad that Chuck met me at the station rather than me taking the subways up to his place.

"Come on, let's get a drink and wait until the herds thin out" said Chuck. He led me up the stairs and we sat in a bar called The Campbell Apartment. I was glad I had dressed up. The place was elegant with dark wood and frosted glass. One or two men were in jackets and shirts without ties and a few women were dressed on the borderline of business and casual. Everybody else was dressed as if they were ready for a serious business event. Chuck was in a dark gray suit with very thin white lines and a blue and silver tie. We fit in well with the after work crowd.

The waiter took our orders and I looked around for a bit.

"Wow, classy."

"Yes" said Chuck "and you are going to let me pay for the drinks."

I laughed and agreed. I knew that I had more money than Chuck but it was nice to be treated. I sipped on my whiskey sour and Chuck had a martini. We talked about Chuck's upcoming talk with Carswell House and tried to decide if it was actually an interview. I told Chuck about my new, used, car. After our drinks, Chuck paid while hiding the bill from me and we walked out into the quieter though still bustling train station.

On the way down the stairs I stumbled a bit and held on to Chuck's arm.

"Whoops, Oh my."

"What?"

I looked up at Chuck. "Normally one drink doesn't do much but I am really feeling the effects of that one." I giggled, took a deep breath and held on to Chuck as we walked along.

"Shall I get a cab?" Chuck sounded worried.

"No I'll be fine. Just don't ask me to do any fine motor skills until I've had dinner."

We took the subway up to Chuck's place and went into his apartment. I looked around and could tell that Chuck had spent some time cleaning and straightening things up. It still was a bachelor's place, but the books were no longer scattered around. There were no pairs of shoes in the corner and most of all there was a bunch of flowers stuffed in a vase on the table.

I tried to decide if I should mention the change or just let it pass. I thought Chuck would like his effort to be recognized.

"Hey Chuck, you've been busy. The place looks a lot nicer."

"Thanks I thought I'd try and tidy up." Chuck looked around. "I didn't have time to cook so I arranged for a delivery. It should be here in another 20 or 30 minutes. Would you like a drink?"

I looked at Chuck.

"Oh right, you've had one haven't you. How about some cheese and fruit, I made sure I had that ready."

With that he went into the kitchen and I could hear the fridge opening and shutting, the clinking of plates and a minute later he came out with some cheese, grapes and crackers on a plate.

"Other than some of the guys from law school, no one's been up here. Oh right, my parents dropped by once."

There was a moment's pause.

"This isn't easy."

I looked up in alarm but Chuck was looking down and selecting grapes.

"Here we are at my place. I've been thinking about you almost non-stop for days and we have to behave because the damn delivery boy is coming with the food. It's as bad as having a kid sister in the house."

I was relieved and smiled, "was your kid sister a problem?"

"No, but if I had a girlfriend over my kid sister was there and …"

The door bell rang and Chuck got the food and came back with a box in his arms.

"Voila, the best Italian food, not counting pizza, to be found in a two block area." He waved me to the table but I followed him into his cubbyhole of a kitchen and we set the table together. Chuck brought out a bottle of wine and some glasses and we sat down.

The food was very good and we ate and drank and talked and tried to decide what to do on a Thursday evening on the West Side of Manhattan. I could tell that Chuck was trying to say something and I thought he was hinting he wanted to stay inside. Finally I took the lead.

"We don't have to go out."

"Actually Carol I was wondering…"

"Yes."

"I know this sounds really bad, but I need to spend maybe an hour or so reviewing some notes. I wasn't expecting to have to but we're doing a group presentation and something came up this afternoon."

"Chuck, spread your papers out and study. I'm fine with it. I'll find something to read."

Actually I was fine with it and I grabbed a New York magazine and read about the night life and parties while Chuck sat and read notes, occasionally mumbling under his breath or consulting a book. While he worked and I read we poured some more wine and nibbled on cheese.

I looked around and poked my nose in the bedroom. On the dresser was a copy of the New Joy of Gay Sex. I picked it up and walked back into the living room and sat down. I couldn't tell how much the book had been read but Chuck had obviously read some of it.

I settled down and looked it over. I'm not inexperienced but some of the stuff discussed in the book was gross. I also did not like the writing. While I was reading a section on nibbling and biting Chuck put down his papers and turned around.

"What are you reading?"

I held up the book and watched as Chuck turned bright red.

"I don't know Chuck, but there has to be a better book than this. I mean some of this stuff is gross."

"Yeah, I got pretty turned off looking at it."

We looked at each other and simultaneously laughed. Then I tossed the book on the couch.

"I can teach you a hell of a lot more than any book can, but I'm touched that you went and bought it."

"Actually you should look over the book on transgender studies. There's an article call the imperative of sex or something like that that is really good."

He took a breath.

"I am sure you can teach me a lot."

I went over and kissed him on the cheek. Then I leaned back. "Where shall we start?"

"First Carol, I went to the clinic and had some blood drawn. I'll get the results in a few days. I didn't know it would take a while."

"Uh huh. Where shall we start? Shall I start by kissing your lips, or kiss you again on the cheek? Or would you prefer I…."

Chuck saw the game I was playing and kissed me on the lips stopping my speaking. We kissed like that for a minute or two. The he surprised me with his decision.

"I think we should start by cleaning up the dishes. I hate leaving food around."

"So romantic, I think I'll swoon." Actually I was a little dizzy and kept giggling as we put away dishes and cleaned the table. When we were done I moved the flowers back into the middle of the table and Chuck came up behind me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed the back of my neck.

I could feel his erection pushing against my backside and thought about the possibilities. As I mentioned to Dr. Granger anal sex was never a big thing with me. However there was very little else that could bring such closeness. I wasn't sure that Chuck was ready for it though.

Chuck slipped his arms under the top and his has hands closed on my breasts. I felt him hesitate for a moment.

"They are a bit padded."

"I thought you looked a bit larger."

He moved his hands around to the back and with only a little fumbling undid the bra strap. I had learned the trick of taking of a brassiere without removing my shirt and did the quick contortions needed and let the bra drop to the floor.

Chuck pulled me against him and held my breasts while he kissed the back of my neck. Slowly he ground his erection against me and I pushed back to meet him. My penis also strained against the fabric of the panties and pantyhose. Not for the first time I cursed the fact that I had a cock and not a vagina. I desperately wanted Chuck inside of me. I wanted to be woman with his penis deep in me the way it should be rather than playing these transgender games.

I turned around and without thinking kissed Chuck pushing my tongue deep in his mouth. He pulled away for a moment and then came back sucking me into him and we pushed back and forth getting hotter and hotter. I unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it off him followed by his undershirt. He pulled my sweater over my head and while my arms were in the air kissed my nipples.

Flesh to flesh we held each other.

"Carol I have to try something. I don't know if I can but I have to try. I've got condoms in the bedroom."

We walked toward the bedroom and I was trying to figure out what to say. You don't just start anal sex; for one thing I like to be clean before hand and didn't have an enema with me. For another thing it had been a long time for me and I wasn't sure if Chuck knew he'd have to start with his fingers and stretch me out.

"Chuck, what do you have in mind?"

Again I felt Chuck take the figurative deep breath before his spoke.

"You gave me a blow job. It was great. I've been reading about, I mean there is a lot of things about oral sex in that book so I thought… I thought I'd try and well I guess return the favor."

"It wasn't a favor Chuck it was love, and a bit of lust. You don't have to do anything…" but I got no further as Chuck kissed me and pushed his tongue into me. We fell onto the bed together and proceeded to undress each other. It took longer because we had to fight the pantyhose this time but after a bit of breathless wrestling we lay face to face.

Chuck's penis pushed against my thigh. My penis jabbed into his stomach. We lay absolutely motionless.

"Chuck…"

"Hush."

Chuck sat up and reaching into his bed side table drawer pulled out a box of condoms. I noticed they were the same type I had purchased. He peeled open a foil packet and rolled the condom onto my erection. I held my breath and concentrated on relaxing. Then I had a thought and reaching over turned off the bedside light. The light from the living room was enough to see by but gave the room a softer feel.

Chuck turned on the bed and laid his head on my thighs. His left hand was under my legs and with his right hand he stroked around my penis without touching it. I reached down and stroked his hair and waited.

Then I gasped as he stroked my balls moving up along up to the base of the penis and then running his finger to the tip. I struggled not to lose control and counted slowly in my head. Chuck again ran a finger along the latex clad erection and my hips arched and I almost exploded.

"Wait Chuck, wait a moment." I breathed a bit and turned until my face was near his erection. I felt around for the box of condoms and taking one covered his penis as well.

Chuck was breathing as hard as me so I did not play games but opened my mouth and pulled his shaft in as deep as I could, feeling his pubic hair tickle my nose. Chuck's hips jerked back and forth and then I felt him first kiss and then lick my erection. I moved my lips up and down his grabbing his backside and pulling him in to me.

"Wait, wait."

I stopped and held still while Chuck fought for control. I was about to move again when I felt Chuck's head lower and his mouth engulfed me. I also moved in and together, bucking and writhing, we exploded in a rapturous, sweaty and loving 69.

After a while I pulled my mouth away and slowly we adjusted positions until I lay with my head on Chuck's chest. I pushed my fingers through his chest hair and then ran then down to play with his balls.

"That was so wonderful Chuck. It's nicer without the condoms and you don't have to swallow."

"Yeah I don't think I could deal with that."

"I so want to have you in me. I want a vagina and you buried deep inside. I want to clench around you and feel you."

Chuck just stroked my hair. Our breathing slowed and we lay side by side. I got up and went to the bathroom, cleaned up and put a pair of thin cotton panties on. When I got back Chuck went into the bathroom. He came out and lay on the bed. His flaccid penis lay before me and I ran a finger across it, then reaching up kissed him on the chin.

"Why do you put panties on when you come back to bed?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean we just had sex, we've seen each other naked. I'm lying here naked and you put on panties. I was wondering why."

I sat up and looked at Chuck. I felt melancholy and was upset that he had raised the issue.

"Because I don't like to look down and see a penis; I don't like what I see in the mirror. I'm a woman Chuck. I'm Carol Baker a 28 year old woman. Women don't have penises. That's why I hide it away. Oh I love what you do to me. It's exciting and the intimacy is great, but it's not the real thing. I want to be whole, complete, not dangling. Oh damn! Oh Chuck."

I burst into tears and for the second time in a week just sobbed. This time though I had Chuck to comfort me. He rubbed my back and kissed me and held me close. We drifted off together waking in the dark of early morning.

Chuck got up and turned off the living room lights and came back to bed.

"Carol, you do what you have to do. Whatever it is I'll be there for you. I don't know if it will be as a lover, a friend, or both. However, whenever, I'm there."

We lay back down and kissed and drifted until the alarm rang, arousing a young couple from their bed of love and passion.



Chapter 15: We Party.

On Friday I joined Pat and some friends to listen to some mediocre folk music and drink coffee. I had been half correct about Pat, she was gay but when I arrived she introduced me to her partner, a nice woman named Alice. Other people drifted in and shortly we had taken over three tables. By the time the evening was over I had exchanged some phone numbers, learned about a doctor who was "alternative friendly" and begun some friendships that I still have.

That Friday evening was the last free time I had for a while. Chuck and I spent time on the phone but neither of us could get to the other's place. With the party coming up I worked long days and parts of weekends for the next two weeks ending up with a hilarious night as Emily, her daughter Samantha and I sat around the kitchen table and put together fifty three party favor bags for the next night's affair.

I was blown away by the favors. Each bag had an invitee's name on it and also a number of a table because seating was planned. Inside the bags for the women was a nice folding comb, a folding pocket mirror with a light, a little bottle of perfume, a very nice pen and a bookmark. The men's bags differed in having a pen and pencil set and a mini mag-light as well as the folding comb but no perfume or mirror. Each bag also contained something that looked like an oversized fire cracker that I was told was called a "Christmas Cracker" and contained a folding hat and a joke.

On Friday morning the caterers arrived and Craig helped them move furniture and bring in tables. Annette ran into town to make last minute purchases. Claire hung decorations and I and Emily tried to be everywhere at once. Jeanne was noticeably absent.

About 5:00 Chuck showed up in a beautiful suit and I gave him the key to my place and told him to disappear. Guests would be arriving about 6:30 and I still had a lot to do.

When I got up to my apartment Chuck was sitting on the couch reading. His jacket was neatly folded on a kitchen chair with his tie on top. I kissed him and plopped down beside him.

"Oh Lord. We still have a party and I am exhausted."

"Anything I can do love?"

"Sure Chuck, take a shower for me and get dressed in a sexy pants suit while I take a nap."

Chuck gave me a kiss on the forehead. I've really missed you. We've been on the phone but it's not the same. I know we were really busy but I wanted to see you. I wanted you to be with me even when I was buried in notes and law books."

I smiled and stood up. "I missed you to Chuck. I talked with you on the phone and loved to hear your voice but found it frustrating. Oh well, no rest for the wicked. I'm going to take a shower and get dressed."

"Can I watch?"

I stopped. "What?"

"Can I watch? Watching you dress and undress is erotic."

"OK Chuck but this is not strip tease."

While Chuck watched I pulled off my jeans and t-shirt. I tossed all my clothes in the hamper and turning to go to the bathroom looked at Chuck. He was clearly turned on and had a shy smile on his face. I winked at him and twitched my buns as I walked by and climbed into the shower.

When I came out with a towel wrapped around me I found Chuck sitting on the bed looking like a kid at a magic show trying to figure out what would happen next. I leaned over and kissed him. Then I laid out my clothing on the bed. Despite what I said about no strip tease it was hard not to put on a little act as I dressed.

I pulled on the black satin and lace gaff, tucking myself well in. With the velvet pants I would be wearing any bulge would be evident so I checked myself for a smooth front. Then I pulled a black brassiere and some small foam half-moons out of the drawer. Chuck's eyes widened as I put on the bra and reaching into one cup and then another pulled up on a breast and inserted the foam under it. Now I had full A cup breasts and some cleavage.

I had a new top that was a knit in silver, white and occasionally thin streaks of black. Some of the silver was metallic thread and it draped showing every little curve I had. The neck line was cut low in the back and the front. I put it on and then sitting down rolled almost invisible black knee high hose on my legs.

I stood up and slowly turned in front of Chuck letting him enjoy the glimpses of the satin gaff as the blouse lifted and fell. Then I pulled on the pants and fed the silver belt through the loops.

Chuck watched as I applied some light and dark foundation, eye shadow and lipstick. Then I put in gold hoops and placed a thin gold chain around my neck. I looked in the mirror and made some last minute adjustments to my hair.

I pulled out a pair of shoes. I had gone to three different shoe stores and the local Macy's as well as Sax in New York City to find shoes. I finally ended up ordering three different pairs from Zappos on the web and kept one. They were black patent leather with slightly pointed toes, a single strap in the back and one and three quarter inch heels. The heels, while not spikes were slender and something about the shoes said "the girl is ready to play." They were almost comfortable.

When all was done I took my perfume bottle and looking Chuck straight in the eye took the stopper and reaching down the front of my blouse applied a little scent between my breasts. Chuck actually groaned as he watched.

"Do you like it?"

"Carol, how am I supposed to get through the evening?"

"Well you could have sat on the couch and read. It is your own fault. I have to be one of the first guests so put on your tie and jacket and get that dazed look off your face. We have to go to a party."

Chuck put on his tie and jacket and we walked around to the front of the house and rang the door bell. One of the catering staff opened the door and recognized me.

"Hi, my you look nice."

I thanked him and Chuck and I walked in. As Chuck walked about admiring the decorations and listened to the trio warming up I hunted down Emily to make sure everything was set for the evening. Annette popped her head in.

"Oh hi Carol let me see what you look like. Oh that is nice, that is very nice. Where's Chuck?"

I look Annette over. She was dressed in a long dress that hinted of opera houses and 1930's parties. It was midnight blue and emphasized her ample bosom while diminishing any excess weight she had. A string of red stones on a gold chain hung down as if beckoning the men to admire her cleavage.

"Annette you look wonderful."

As we walked out of the kitchen she leaned over and whispered in my ear "That was Jeremy speaking and I am touched."

I felt myself blush a bit and trying to sort out emotions was swept into the living room where the first guests were arriving.

Chuck joined me in the living room and Annette and Uncle Peter greeted guests as they came in. The guests came in clusters with a few minutes between each group and that gave the Martin's time to say hello in a leisurely fashion. Claire and Jeanne came into together. Jeanne had a massive camera and flash and proceeded to take pictures of every one.

Craig, now in a jacket and tie, came in and lit the fire. The trio started playing classical music and waiters began circulating with trays of canapés. In the midst of this I saw Annette hugging a younger version of herself. I went over and was introduced to Christine Martin, their daughter back from college.

As I looked around I thought about how people were dressed. The men were almost all in either suits or sports jackets with ties. Here and there a man wore a turtleneck under a jacket. The women were in evening dresses, formal pants suits or what could only be described as festive costumes. This was an event people went all out for.

Jeanne still was taking photos but now was accompanied by a man about her age and I could tell from the way they stood together they were a couple. Later I found out he was the owner of one of the largest BMW and Jaguar dealerships in Westchester. That explained Jeanne's car and possibly some of her other toys. Jeanne was still very attractive and he looked like the kind of man who gives presents.

Part way through I lost Chuck and was standing alone drinking some wine when Ms. Richardson came up. We reintroduced ourselves and talked for a while until Chuck drifted back into view. He put his arm around me and we moved about, ate canapés and finally were called to dinner.

As we were walking in I spied someone across the room and stumbled in shock. Even though I had made up the guest list I had not concentrated on the individuals behind the names and it didn't occur to me that there would be people from Teneris at the party but there, not thirty feet from me, talking with Uncle Peter was Mr. Hayakawa the Chief Financial Officer. While I didn't work with Mr. Hayakawa we certainly had crossed paths numerous times.

"Chuck wait here" I said and dashed off to find Annette. She was standing by the kitchen watching the caterer's help people find their tables.

"Annette."

I must have looked terrible because she immediately pulled me aside.

"Carol, what is wrong?"

"Annette, Mr. Hayakawa from Teneris is here. We've talked a few times he knows me as Jeremy. I've got to go now."

I tried to pull away but Annette had a grip on my wrist and would not let go.

"Carol, take a deep breath. You are not going anywhere. First I doubt that Mr. Hayakawa can see far enough, he's terribly near sighted. Second, you are not that recognizable. Third, you told me that being, you called it "made" I think, was inevitable. If Joe Hayakawa recognizes you he is far too nice a person to say anything about it. He may mention it to Peter later but that is all. Now take another deep breath and go back to Chuck and try and have fun."

Dinner was a choice of some kind of beef and stuffed chicken breasts. We sat at a table with Christine, a young man who worked with Annette at the brokerage and his wife Marylyn. There was also a lawyer who worked with Uncle Peter and was obviously placed at the table to be the extra man. I sat not saying much.

Chuck leaned over "what's the problem?"

I whispered into his ear and Chuck just shrugged and whispered back. "Don't worry. Nobody is going to put Carol and Jeremy together. You don't know what a change has occurred over the past couple of months. Now give me a kiss and let's try this seafood appetizer."

I did relax and ended up talking with Marylyn. I learned she was out of work and looking for a job locally and we discussed the problems of interviewing, household budgets and local discount shopping. Chuck and the lawyer of course discussed law and law school and Christine and Marylyn's husband ducked in and out of the various discussions. By the time we hit desert I was having fun again.

Between the main course and desert the trio started playing old fashioned dances and Chuck and I tried to waltz and though we were rather clumsy we had fun. Chuck then danced a polka with Annette and to my surprise actually knew what he was doing. I did a slow dance with the lawyer and then we sat down to desert, a course of sorbets and sweet biscuits.

I looked around the room at the different people. Some were obviously in their element and having fun. Some had that hunted look of a person at a party they had to attend but didn't know how to deal with. Mr. Hayakawa was sitting by the fire talking with some folks. I was relaxed and the evening was going well.

Jeanne came over and had Chuck and me pose for a couple of pictures. When she was gone Chuck gave me a kiss on the lips. We stood by the wall leaning against each other. Christine came up and stood beside us. I realized that Chuck and I were the only people near her age at the party and remembered a few parties I had gone to where I seemed to be surrounded by dinosaurs.

The three of us talked school, families, vacation plans, Christine was off to Denver with her parents while Chuck planned to study and visit his family in Virginia. While we were talking, Annette started clapping her hands for attention.

"Everybody get your gift bags and pull out your crackers."

There was a scramble because some people could not find their gift bags but finally everyone had one. Annette explained that the tradition was to choose a person to pull a cracker with you. Each person pulled on an end and then you hugged or kissed or shook hands, your choice.

I and Chuck grabbed crackers and then seeing that Christine was sort of left out we formed a circle of three with crackers between us. When Annette shouted "pull" everybody pulled and the crackers exploded with little pops and candy, pieces of paper and folded party hats fell out.

"Merry Christmas", "Happy New Year" even "Happy Hanukah" was shouted and people hugged and kissed. Our little threesome exchanged hugs and kisses and then put on the funny hats and told each other the silly riddles that came in the crackers.

Waiters circulated with trays of champagne and people toasted each other. Uncle Peter made a short speech about how lucky we are to be able to gather with friends. People cheered and toasted again. Then bit by bit the party wore down and by 12:40 the last of the guests had gone.

Uncle Peter, Annette, Claire, Christine, Chuck and I sat in the living room by the fire. The caterers, Craig and Emily would finish cleaning up the next day. We sipped on cups of tea and coffee and talked softly. Claire said that it had been a lovely party but she was off to bed and left.

I went out to the hall closet and came back with a small bag.

"Uncle Peter and Aunt Annette. Merry Christmas and thank you for giving me this job and letting me live here."

Uncle Peter made small appropriate noises while Annette opened the bag and gave a loud guffaw.

"Where did you find this?"

"Oh I hunted on some used book seller sites until I found the right book."

Aunt Annette held up an old leather bound book; "The English Birders Guide to Golf Courses in the Empire."

Uncle Peter gave me an appreciative smile and then Chuck and I made our goodnights and went back to the apartment. When we were in the apartment I gave Chuck a small wrapped gift and he opened another old book, an 1873 guide to the New York City court system.

I wondered if Chuck has something for me and held my breath for a moment ready to be disappointed.

"Merry Christmas love" Chuck said. "I wasn't as creative but I thought you would like this."

He handed me a small wooden box with intricate carvings and inside were a pair of Indian earrings. I kissed him on the cheek.

"They're perfect. I know just the sweater and necklace to wear them with."

We stood for a moment just looking at each other. It was late and we were dressed as nicely as we ever had together. I was feeling a little shy. Chuck had called a few days prior to let me know that the clinic had reported him as clean and healthy. Suddenly that information was making me feel scared.

Chuck held out his arms and I stepped into them. We hugged and rocked for a bit then he kissed me on the lips. "I'm tired. Shall we go to bed?"

I had thought about this evening for the past two weeks and now I felt so unsure of myself. I didn't have to do anything. Chuck would understand. I didn't even know if Chuck wanted to do anything. He had said he was tired.

We took off our clothes and hung up them up. Chuck pulled me to him and gave me a deep long kiss. My breasts were tickled by the hair on his chest and I could feel his penis hard between us. I broke away.

"Either I get to the bathroom now or you end up with very wet feet."

Chuck laughed and let me go. I sat on the toilet and peed. Then reaching into the under sink cabinet I pulled out a packaged enema in a squeeze bottle. I put a dab of lubricant on it and pushed it between my cheeks. Slowly I squeezed shut the accordion sided cylinder feeling the liquid pour into my bowels. I had gone to the toilet earlier so I had little left in me and when I released, the liquid gushed, cleaning the rest out.

I waited a minute and then when I was sure I was done stood up and sponge bathed taking extra care between my legs. I brushed my teeth and heard Chuck calling saying that he was getting desperate. I quickly finished up and let Chuck, naked and erect, dash into the bathroom. As I heard his urine splashing in the bowl I laughed and went into the bedroom.

As Chuck washed up I pulled a dark blue silk night shirt out of the drawer and a pair of matching panties. The shirt was mid-thigh length and had five buttons. I put another drop of perfume between my breasts, put on the panties and shirt and got into bed, pulling the cover up to my chin.

Chuck came in and saw me in bed. He smiled and sat next to me.

"Are you tired or hiding something?" He started to pull the covers away and I pretended to fight him. When he pulled down the covers he looked for a moment and still sitting beside me slipped his fingers between the night shirt buttons and touched a nipple.

I shivered a smiled up at Chuck. I reached up a hand and pulled him on to me. We kissed and cuddled. My hand reached down and played with the tip of Chuck's penis and he unbuttoned two buttons of the shirt and kissed and bit my breasts. Suddenly we both hugged each other as closely as we could.

"I love you Chuck."

"Carol I love you too. I had my doubts and I'm not sure how we are going to manage our relationship but…."

"Chuck shut up."

He stopped and laughed. "Never ask a lawyer to be brief. I love you." He kissed me and our tongues played snakes as we rolled onto our sides and our hands wandered. Chuck slid his hand down the front of my panties and held my erection. Any feeling of being tired or scared disappeared and I decided to push Chuck a little.

I reached down and moved his hand from my penis to my rectum and squeezed closer to him. Chuck rubbed his fingers up and down, playing a bit with the pursed opening and then to my balls and then back again to my bottom.

"What should I do next?"

"What do you want to do Chuck? We can stop at this or go as far as you want. You read the book and there is a bottle of lubricant right by the lamp."

I nestled my head against Chuck's chest. I felt him pull his hand away but it was just to ease off my panties. I kicked them off and we hugged again. Awkwardly we shuffled on the bed and I knew Chuck was reaching for the lube.

"You don't need a lot to start, lover."

"I read the book, remember?"

We laughed. Chuck moved so that both of his hands were behind me. I heard the click as he open the bottle and then felt his fingers, now slick and cold pressed against my bottom. I open my legs a bit and moving my head I bit one of his nipples.

Chuck squeaked in surprise and then pushed his finger in a little bit. I pushed back a little to open the sphincter and felt his finger go in further. While he was slowing moving it in and out I played with his balls and tongued one nipple and then the other.

After a bit Chuck withdrew his finger and then started to push two in. "Is this OK Carol."

I was irritated at his caution even though I knew it was because he cared for me. "Damn it Chuck just do it, if it hurts I'll tell you."

Chuck started to say sorry and then caught himself and nibbled my ear as he pushed two fingers in. He pulled his body away from me while continuing to play we swiveled so he was behind me. His fingers moved in and out while his other hand reached around and moved, pinching a nipple, stroking my stomach, brushing my erection and then cradling a breast.

I was facing the bedside table and had no problem getting lubricant and reaching behind me put it on Chuck's hard penis. I shifted onto my knees and elbows.

"C'mon Chuck, now."

Chuck got behind me and I could feel his penis pushing between my cheeks. I reached back with my hand and guided the tip of his penis to my anus. Chuck pushed a bit, then a bit more and then I felt the head of this shaft move past the anal ring. I groaned a bit because it did hurt and Chuck stopped.

"No Chuck, don't stop."

Chuck pushed a little more and then pulled back and pushed again. I pushed back to meet him. We began a slow rhythm. I had both my hands on the bed but Chuck's left hand wandered stroking my penis and cupping a breast. Our motions became faster and faster and I felt Chuck's balls bounce against me.

For a split second Chuck froze and then began pounding against me. He came hissing my name and holding onto my shoulders as his hips jerked back and forth. I felt heat flood inside me and rammed myself back into him again and again until his ragged gasps became smoother breaths and his penis, now soft, eased out between my cheeks.

I turned to Chuck and we kissed and hugged. He moved his hand between us and softly stroked my penis until I grabbed him, bit his shoulder and exploded between us.

We lay breast to chest like that for a while, sticky and content. It seemed a crime to part but in time became necessary.

"Chuck I have to go to the bathroom."

I sat on the toilet and let Chuck's sperm drip out of me while I urinated. I took a wash cloth and washed down. Then I rung it out, rinsed it in warm water and rung it out again. I stepped into my panties and taking a pad stripped off the adhesive cover and placed it far back in the crotch. I washed my hands and went back out to Chuck.

Chuck was lying on the bed gazing at the ceiling. A soft smile was on his face. I kissed his lips and forehead while I used the wash cloth to clean off his chest and stomach. Then I went and rinsed the cloth again and coming back cleaned his penis.

Finally I sat beside him with my hand on his chest. He took my hand and moving it to his mouth kissed me. Then I lay down beside him and reached over to turn off the light.

"Hey Carol."

"What?"

"That was a great way to end a party."



Chapter 16: Truly Discovered.

We stayed in bed late that Saturday morning. About 5:30 I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. When I crawled back in Chuck got out and also used the toilet. Then we spooned back together, this time with me behind Chuck. We drifted off to sleep waking a bit after 7:00 and cuddling a bit and when we finally sat up it was almost 9:00.

"Coffee Chuck?"

"Yes please."

I got the coffee started and climbing into a running suit wandered over to the Martin's to grab the newspaper. The caterers were already in finishing the packing up and Emily waved to me. We talked for a minute and then I went back to my apartment.

Chuck and I drank our coffee and ate cereal while we looked over the Times. We smiled at each other and I wondered which of us would talk about the prior night and when. It was almost a game as to who would say something first.

After putting the dishes away I took Chuck to Teatown Reservation and we walked the trails together. Looking over the pond we snuggled close together against a cold breeze.

"Carol, was last night OK?"

"What do you mean?"

"I didn't hurt you did I?"

I turned and looked right into Chuck's eyes.

"No Chuck. I would have told you. I'm a little sore, but that's OK. In fact it reminds me that you were inside of me. I liked it. Did you?"

Chuck stood still for a moment with a puzzled look in his eyes.

"Yes, but, but it isn't my favorite thing. Can I tell you what I really like?

"Of course Chuck." My mind raced trying figure out what he would say. Did he like oral sex and did he like sucking on me. Maybe he liked sucking on my tits, which would be fine.

"I like it when we are pressed together and kissing and we play with each other and we come pressed together like that."

"I like that to."

"Carol, what's you favorite thing?"

"I'm not sure. Anal sex is OK but well I like oral sex, giving and receiving. But Chuck I am not trying to force you into something you…"

I stopped because I could see a couple of people approaching us on the trail. Chuck and I turned and looked at the pond. In a moment the walkers reached us and we said the standard pleasantries about the weather and what birds we had seen. Then Chuck and I walked back to the car.

"I really like this car. Much better than what you had before."

Chuck then turned and pulled me against him and gave me a deep kiss.

"I'm glad I know what you like."

We drove back not discussing sex but talking about the party. I mentioned to Chuck that I would miss him when he was with his parents in Virginia. We told each other a few times how much we loved the other person and then we pulled into the driveway and saw Christine.

"Hi Christine" I called and waved.

She came over and we talked for a bit and I invited her to come up and have some coffee. We all settled down and I got the kettle going for tea as that what Chuck and Christine wanted and hunted for some sweet biscuits Claire had given me a week earlier.

After a bit Chuck saw Uncle Peter through the window and commenting that he wanted to ask him a question pulled on his coat and went outside. Christine and I sipped tea and sat in silence for a bit. Then Christine smiled at me shyly.

"What's your real name?"

"What?"

"Oh come on, I know that Mom and Dad don't have a niece and I don't have a female cousin. I've been watching you and trying to figure you out. Are you my cousin Jeremy in drag?"

"Oh hell's bells. Oh Christine why?"

Christine looked at me and I could tell she was scared.

"I'm not going to tell anyone Carol. I like you and I like Chuck I just had to know. I mean you are so realistic it was only because I knew Daddy was going to ask you, I mean you Jeremy, to run the household that I put it together. Well once I started looking I thought you were pretty big for a girl."

"Christine, please don't tell anybody."

"I won't, I mean I won't even let Mom or Daddy know I figured it out. I promise. I want you to be a friend so I won't blab. I swear."

Suddenly she stopped and her mouth dropped open. "Does Chuck know?"

I laughed. I couldn't help it. "Of course you goof. It's not something I could hide when we…, I mean he does stay over."

I felt myself blushing and realized that Christine was looking at me wide eyed.

"Look Christine. I promise we'll talk about this some more. I am shaken by you finding out. I always knew someone would figure it out but it's hard when it happens."

"No one's figured it out before?"

"Not in a long time, oh yeah once recently in a clothing shop. A year ago it was pretty obvious. Six months ago, not really and when I moved here I was confident."

"Yeah well you should be."

"Thanks, and Chuck and I have known each other for years so that wasn't that much of a problem."

"Does Mom and…"

She broke off as we heard a knock on the door and then Chuck and Uncle Peter came in. Chuck was talking in his young lawyer's voice and I wondered if I should point out to him at some point how his voice changed when he discussed certain things. Uncle Peter was obviously giving him advice on something. When they stopped talking Uncle Peter asked if there any tea left.

When Uncle Peter left I told Chuck that Christine had "made" me. Chuck looked at Christine very seriously but she went into her list of promises and oaths not to tell anyone, even her best friend at college. That took us into a discussion of sexuality at her school, Annette and Uncle Peter's early married life, sex in the seventies as compared to now (pre- versus post-AIDS).

When Christine left to start packing for the Denver ski trip Chuck and I sat on the couch very quietly.

"I don't think she'll tell anyone."

"It's not that Chuck. I'd be hurt, maybe embarrassed if she talked but I've always known that this is a secret that can't remain absolute. It's just that she brought me back to earth. I've been flying so high these past few weeks and now I'm just Jeremy the transgender again."

Chuck moved over to me on the couch, but I shrugged him off and went to stand by the window. I wasn't angry, or near tears. I felt deflated.

"Chuck, what are you going to tell your parents?"

"I don't know. I am going to tell them I am seeing a nice woman who works up in Westchester. I'll mention that you're a churchgoer, I'll tell them the kind of job you do and I'll leave it at that."

"So you're going to lie."

Chuck stood up and I saw a flash of anger.

"No I am not going to lie. I am going to tell them as much as they need to know. I wouldn't tell them about sex with someone else, so I am not going to tell them about us in that way. If that isn't going to be discussed then your sex or gender or whatever is not an issue."

"Oh Carol, I love you. I am just not ready to deal with the outside world yet. You put on a dress and started walking outside a long time ago. I'm new to all this. Hell I'm new to being in love in a mature way. Don't push me. Please."

I heard the need in his voice and walked over to Chuck and gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. We held each other for a bit.

"I'm hungry."

I nodded and we went into the kitchen to hunt through the leftovers and tins. We sat at the table to eat and Chuck smiled at me.

"I like being in bed with you but you know what I really like."

"Eating my food?"

"In part; I like doing the standard things with you. Taking walks, eating, studying, stuff like that. I'm horny when I'm around you, but I don't need to be in bed with you."

I chewed my sandwich and looked at Chuck. I felt my eyes misting up and had trouble swallowing.

"I love you too, Chuck."

Chuck suggested that we ask Christine to join us for dinner and while I wandered over to the Martin's, he settled down with a folder to go over notes from one of his classes. The rest of the afternoon was spent quietly. I read a book and answered e-mails and Chuck studied.

When Christine knocked on the door and we let her in she looked around the living room and commented that she felt like she was back in her dorm again with people studying for finals.

We decided to go up to Justin Thyme and have dinner there. Saturday night was busy and loud and we were crammed into a corner. We discussed various unimportant topics and drove home and went back to my place to sit for a bit. Christine curled into the corner of the couch, Chuck sat on one of the kitchen chairs and I plopped on the floor with my back against my armchair.

I looked at Christine. She wasn't an attractive girl. She was too skinny and her hair was cut wrong for her. I have a thing against odd piercings and she had a small bar through her eyebrow with gold balls on each end. I tried to place myself back into being Jeremy and wondered if I'd be interested in her and decided I'd probably not make any effort.

"Carol, Chuck, I promise not to pry but can I ask one question?"

Chuck said OK and we watched Christine.

"Are you guys gay, and are you going to have that surgery?"

Chuck stepped into the breach.

"First, that's two questions. I don't think of myself or Carol as gay. Carol is a woman and I am a man. Yes I know that biologically that's not true, or at least it is true in my case. But, I think of Carol as a woman, so I don't think of myself as gay."

I pushed myself into the conversation. "I suppose I am gay because I was born as a man and I want a man as my partner. I've had some girlfriends but that just didn't work out. I will probably have the reversal surgery. You know what's most important? I don't think of Chuck as gay."

"None of it is important though." said Chuck. "It will be if we decide to get married but that's not here and now. The important thing is we care for each other. What happens physically is not the big item."

Christine just looked at us. "God I wish I could find someone like you. All the guys in college are jerks. And the ones who are nice to be with are either gay, with someone else or just want to be friends."

Chuck laughed gently. "Hey, it's the friends you should pay attention to. That's how Carol and I started let's see, seven years ago."

I sat next to Christine and put a hand on her knee. "Christine do you have friends at college?"

Christine gave me a nice smile. "Yes I have a few. Tim's really nice and we do a lot of stuff together but I can't see having sex with him. I room with my best friend Mary but I'm not into that, I mean I'm not a lesbian, well neither is she I guess, and then there's Gary who's fun, smart, nice and built like an angel but he's going out with Michael so that's no good."

Chuck then absolutely blew me away with his next comment.

"Stick with friends. If sex is that big a deal buy a vibrator."

Both Christine and I looked at him.

"I mean it. Sex is an entanglement and unless it is with someone you really want to be entangled with, you're better off, ah, on your own."

Somehow what he said triggered Christine and she started laughing. I joined in and with Chuck looking at us in total loss we dissolved into hysterics and ended up hugging each other as we sobbed from the laughter.

On the way out Christine said that she would call from Denver and she was glad she was making some new friends. We kissed each other's cheeks and I closed and locked the door. I pulled the curtains and turned to Chuck.

"A vibrator?"

He shrugged. "It's safe."

He came over and hugged me.

"Let's shower and go to bed."



Chapter 17: Christmas.

AS Christmas approached the household shut down. The Martin's went off to spend Christmas skiing in Denver. Chuck flew out to be with his parents. Claire and Jeanne wandered off their separate ways and when Emily locked the door and went off on the morning of the 23rd I felt truly alone.

I knew my parent's were not ready for a visit from me yet. My sister invited me to join her and Al in Cleveland, but I could hear their relief when I declined. I sat in my apartment eating breakfast, thinking that in two days it would be Christmas and it would be first I had ever spent alone.

I went to Church that morning and sat and listened to the minister discussing the upcoming holiday. I liked church but it was hard to sit there that morning. Everybody else seemed be part of a couple or a family and though I was sitting close to people I felt as if I were far away from everyone.

After services I was putting on my coat when I felt someone punch my arm. Looking around and then down I spied Pat.

"Hey Kid, what's up?"

I said hello and asked how she was doing. Pat bubbled on and I found myself following her and Alice in their car to a diner where we sat down for lunch. By the end of lunch I was joining them for dinner before Christmas Eve midnight services and then on Christmas day would come with them to a gay and lesbian Christmas day party.

"Don't worry" said Alice "I don't know what you're into but this is a pretty tame bunch."

I thought "hmmm, don't know what you're into" she could not be more right and then I laughed and said that it would be something to tell my boyfriend about and explained who Chuck was and that he was off with his parents for the holidays.

After lunch I felt much better and drove home with a smile. I noticed the large sedan behind me and took an extra turn or two to see if it would follow. After the second turn it disappeared but my doubts came back. When I got back to the Martin's I checked their security system to make sure it was on and then went to my apartment.

Chuck had a sent a long e-mail which I replied to. Then I called Jan and we gossiped for a while and I tentatively agreed to join them for New Years if Chuck was OK with that. After that it was laundry, cleaning and finally a nice run through the cold suburban streets followed by a warm and fragrant bath. I lay in the bath and played a bit touching my breasts and then my penis and finally my rectum. I thought about Chuck and smiled and drifted.

I ate dinner while reading a magazine and made plans to winterize the scooter the next day. I looked at the presents in the corner from my family and the Martin's that I was not going to open until Christmas. I turned on the radio and wishing I had a fireplace, curled on the couch and dreamed of trips with Chuck and trying out skiing and finally dreamed about sex. When my mind reached sex I looked at the clock and after washing up went to bed. I lay in the dark room and fondled and fantasized and finally slept.

The next day I put down some paving blocks I had begged off the contractors and rolled my scooter onto them. I poured gasoline preservative into the tank and let the bike run for about ten minutes. Then I ran an extension cord from the back of the garage to the scooter, plugged in the battery tender and covered the lot with a tarp weighted down with more paving stones.

When I was done I grabbed my binos and a bird book and went to the local park to search out the winter birds. I was dressed in my corduroys tucked into a pair of boots. A dark green sweater clung to me and my breasts stood out. It seemed a shame to cover them with my parka but it was near freezing and there was a breeze. Despite the cold I left the parka partially open and enjoyed the bite of the wind as it came through the sweater.

While I was in the park I saw a man walking toward me. He looked familiar and I noticed the camera bag and realized it was the photographer from the train and the mall.

"Hi there" I waved.

He stopped looked at me for a moment and then smiled and walked over.

"Hi. It's getting nippy isn't it?"

"Yes but I thought I come out for a while anyway."

We stood for a moment.

"Oh, my name's Saul Berman."

"Carol Baker."

We talked and Saul told me he was semi-retired and pursuing his love of photography. I told him I was working for the Martins. We discussed the small parks in the area and then he walked on. It was fun talking with him and I could see he was a little embarrassed by my open parka. He never looked down and his eyes kept darting away to look just about everywhere except at me.

A nice man, shy, interesting in a quiet way. Another name and face in the community.

I walked back to the car and arriving home, opened the front door to the Martins and picked up the mail that had come through the slot and sorted it on the table. I flicked through the bills but there were none that had to be dealt with immediately and I checked through Annette's correspondence and made some notes to include in an e-mail to her I would send off later.

Back in my apartment I tried to decide what to wear to dinner with Pat and Alice and then to go to services in. I really wanted to stay with what I was wearing because it felt so cozy but ended up changing into nicer pants and low heels. I checked the directions to Pat's place and grabbed a bottle of wine from the few I had around. I wrapped a ribbon around the neck of the bottle, scratched off the price tag and drove off.

When I reached Pat's house I stumbled over the rough gravel path and cursed the heels on my shoes while wishing I had gone with an earlier idea of wearing sneakers and carrying my nicer shoes. Somehow I made it to the house without falling over and knocked on the door.

Alice answered and kissed me on the cheek. She accepted the bottle of wine with the standard "you didn't have to do this" and took my coat. I waited while she hung it up and then followed her into the living room.

I had assumed it would be just the two of them and me but there were a few others sitting around and sipping drinks. I recognized a middle aged man from the church and we smiled at each other. I looked around the room and decided this was a mixed crowd. The man from the church was with another man and they appeared to be a couple. A professorial looking man stood with his arm around a non-descript woman. Two young women were playing with a cat in the corner.

I accepted a beer from Pat, and then followed her around as she introduced people. I talked with the professorial type who turned out to be a veterinarian. Dinner was a buffet and I ended sharing the window seat with a man who taught mathematics at the high school.

Dinner was pleasant. I ducked giving my phone number to the math teacher and helped Pat and Alice clean up. About 11:00 it was just Pat, Alice, one of the young women I had seen earlier and myself. We would leave for mid-night services at 11:30 so there was time to sit and talk.

Paula, the young woman, explained that she had met Pat through the local gay, lesbian and transgender support group. She was 22 and was working at a clothing store. Pat commented that I might find some nice clothing there and I made a note of the store and its address.

Talk passed over lesbian politics, clothing, church groups, dealing with families and I was more and more trying to decide if these were people I could share with. Paula bothered me so I kept my mouth shut, but the more time I spent with Pat and Alice the more I felt I could talk with them truthfully.

When 11:30 rolled around we bundled up and took separate cars to the church. Candles were lit, prayers said and we sung some songs and hymns. It was a small group at the church that night. We all sat in the front few rows and at the end hugged and wished each other Merry Christmas. As I drove home I thought of what one of the congregation said. "To me this is the true New Year. Next week is a party, here is where rebirth begins."

I slept well that night, dreaming about putting books into bookcases and trying to organize them according to author but the titles and the authors kept changing. I knew Chuck was somewhere around, but the only person I could see or hear was Alan who kept telling me to stop putting the books away because it wasn't my job.

I ate breakfast trying to make sense of the dream and then took a quick shower before dressing for church. I was going from church to the Christmas party with Pat and Alice and had to where something that fit both. I wanted to look nice but wasn't trying to attract anyone. I thought about a skirt I had purchased at the local thrift shop and decided to build the outfit based in that.

The skirt was calf length in soft grey wool with a very subtle check. It had a oyster colored built in slip and oversized belt loops. I paired it with a silk blouse I had ordered from the web. The blouse was a muted pink and had a little shine to the fabric. I grabbed a wide dark brown leather belt and laid the clothes on the bed.

I looked at the outfit and took tan panty hose and a control top brief out. Then I took one of the white bras that gave me a little lift and looking at my selection of shoes chose simple brown flats.

The image I was looking for was slightly conservative without being dowdy. The blouse would have looked better on a woman with more bust, but other than that the clothes fit me well. I dressed, did my hair and slipped in simple gold posts and put on a thin gold chain.

I opened the closet and stood in front of the full length mirror and tried to put myself in the shoes of Pat and Alice, the members of the congregation and finally a gay and lesbian group having a Christmas party. I was fine for church and probably too conservative for the party, but it would have to do. I chuckled as I looked at my motorcycle jacket hanging in the closet. Maybe I should run home after church and show up in black jeans, a rock and roll t-shirt, my boots and the jacket. I thought about telling Chuck what that would be like and then laughed again. I grabbed my coat, hat and gloves and drove to church.

As I had expected the church was full. Where normally I would see only about half the seats occupied on a Sunday morning now I had to look around to find a place to sit. There was a bustling, joyous, anticipatory energy in the congregation and the music, prayers and homily seemed to have an extra spirit in them.

When we were done people milled around in the common area and sipped punch and coffee while children ran amongst the legs ignoring their parents' calls to calm down. I sought out Pat and we wished each other Merry Christmas. The minister came over and said hello and talked with Pat for a bit about mutual acquaintances.

We hung around for a while before Alice came up and tapping on her watch indicated she wanted to move on. A small caravan of cars made its way to where the party was being held. It was at a restaurant owned by a gay couple who had loaned the back room to the GLT Support Group for the party.

The room was large enough for about thirty people and a couple of boxes sat on a table in the middle. Pat dived into the boxes pulling out decorations and gift bags and issuing a string of orders to the few of us who had arrived.

Because I was the tallest in the room I ended up hanging streamers of silver tinsel along the molding at the edge of the ceiling. A young woman steadied the chair I stood on and we talked as we worked. In the middle of hanging the tinsel a man came along who was much taller than me and took over so I went and helped a middle-aged couple put out party favors at the plates.

We introduced ourselves and Molly told me her name and said hello, I caught the tone of voice and started to look closer. I couldn't quite tell. She was a tall woman, about my size. She was in her early fifties and a bit overweight. Her jaw was strong and I would have described her as masculine. The more I watched the more I was convinced that Molly had been a man or was a man cross dressing. She definitely had man's hands.

The image was exceptional. She really looked liked the hundreds of other middle aged suburban women I saw in Westchester. She and Eric worked together exchanging jokes and were obviously a couple. When we were done they did the little bump and kiss on the cheek that Chuck and I did so often. I stopped looking and scanned the room.

People were coming in and the noise level was increasing. From somewhere a tray of meatballs, miniature hotdogs and little meat filled pastries had appeared. Sodas and Juices sat on one table and wine and beer at another. The alcoholic beverages had a sign in front of them; "Don't screw it up for the rest of us. If you are under 21 find your Christmas Spirit inside of you."

People introduced themselves, groups formed and split apart. Alice introduced me to two women dressed in identical denim jeans and jackets with Harley T-shirts and we talked motorcycles and scooters until others joined the group and the discussion moved on. Somewhere along the line I ended up sitting and eating next to Molly. I must have subconsciously moved there.

Molly complimented me on my clothing and I asked where she had found the beautiful necklace she was wearing. We found out where each other lived and what we did. Finally curiosity conquered my fears and I leaned over and spoke softly.

"Look, I'm being nosey and rude, but I have to know. Are you transgender?"

Molly gave me a big smile. "Of course, I didn't think you'd have any question about that. I mean you're the same right?"

"Yes, but I haven't told a lot of people yet."

"Oh that's OK. Some will figure it out on their own but with this crowd it's no big deal. Actually the two women you were talking with earlier might be upset. They are very politically active lesbians and surprisingly homophobic, I mean about male gays. You carry it off very well."

From there the conversation became one of make up, garments, relationships, hormones and all the rest of the technicalities I live with every day but never had had the chance to talk about. I learned that Molly was 53 and started living full time as a woman seven years earlier. She had the surgery three years ago and then she and Eric had married shortly after that.

"Did Eric know you were cross-dressing when you first met him?"

"Nope. In fact he told me later that when he first saw me he just noticed a large and rather unattractive woman."

"What?"

"Yeah, well he is a bit blunt at times. We fell in love after we discovered we were both bridge fanatics. Now we are Molly and Eric Burns, that terrific bridge team from Hartsdale."

Time flew as we talked. My PDA came out and I made notes of local doctors, the support group meeting dates, etc. I sat back and drank wine and enjoyed the noise and motion. Once a tipsy woman sat next to me and made a rather broad suggestion which I deflected. Later I saw her with her arm draped around another woman. Someone would not be lonely tonight.

Guests drifted off and I offered to help clean up but Pat said they already had a clean up team arranged. I left the restaurant and stood in the cold air of the early evening. People were coming in and out of the parking lot. Everyone was smiling and here and there a child, carrying this year's favorite present of the moment came by. I got into my car and drove home.

When I got back to my apartment I checked my cell phone and saw that Chuck had called me. I checked my e-mails and sent a Merry Christmas reply to Jan and Sid. Then I called Chuck and we spent a long time telling each other about how much we missed the other person. We said we loved each other; we talked about how soon we could meet after he got back. We made love as best we could over the phones.

When the call was over I undressed and hung up my clothes and threw my lingerie into the hamper. I showered and changed into a velour running suit and floppy sox. I had been dreading being alone on Christmas but now felt content. Chuck loved me. I had been to church. I had been to two parties. I had made at least one new friend. I put the kettle on for tea and slipped a CD of Bach into the stereo and sat back.

Much later I stretched out on the couch and pulled the throw over me. The CD would keep playing random pieces of harpsichord music and I would sleep where I was. I must have slept with a smile on my face because in my dreams Chuck and I were on the couch together.

Chapter 18: New Years. The day after Christmas I woke up on the couch and looking around realized that I had not thought to open up my presents. As coffee brewed I sat on the floor and tore paper and cut ribbons. The Martin's gave me an excellent pair of binoculars. My parents sent me a nice pair of gloves and an Irish scarf. My sister sent me a box of assorted nuts and chocolates which is exactly what I had sent her, thereby continuing what had become a funny tradition.

I stretched and jogged in place and did crunches. Then I showered after using the spinning devil on my armpits and upper lip. I put on plain white panties and a simple bra and then got back into the running suit. No one was around so I would go to the office much more casually then usual.