Keeping the Books - 3

by:	Marianne Wright

View Story Details

Rating: R	Add Review   Read Reviews, Last Review 06/10/07 (1)	Added: 06/10/2007
Complete: yes
Synopsis:	Jeremy leaves his job to becomer Carol and work for his uncle. Secure in his feminine persona Jeremy develops as Carol and falls in love.
Categories:	Crossdressing / TV  Seasonal
Keywords:	Autobiographical

I'll say this for Al; he was gentle. He took me along slowly and after a few times together he took me to bed. The details aren't important so let's just say I liked it. Unfortunately I built a detailed fantasy around Al. For Al this was just some fun with an undergraduate and though he was never cruel, when the year ended and he took his PhD he gave me a nice present and said goodbye.

Al actually did send me a letter and a couple of post cards after he left, but within a year he was settled in Seattle and was engaged to be married. I threw away the volume of essays he gave me. I kicked a few trees and decided that it was just a momentary thing and found a girlfriend.

When the train pulled into Grand Central I stepped off half expecting Chuck to meet me. Then I pulled out of my fantasies and hurried to the subway to make my way over to the A train on the west side and walked quickly to Chuck's building. I stood in the lobby breathing heavily from the walk and opened my coat to cool off. When I felt more composed I rang for the elevator and went up.

Chuck opened the door to my ring and I decided to make the first move. I stepped in, dropped my bag and gave him a solid kiss on the lips. This time neither of us hesitated and we kissed for a moment in the doorway before Chuck, still holding me backed into the apartment. When we separated I could see a smile on his face and internally I sighed in relief.

Chuck and I sat on the couch making some small talk until we both lost patience. I started to talk but Chuck beat me to it.

"Carol I really am attracted to you. More and more I see the woman and not Jeremy. I just don't know what to do. I feel so weird doing this."

"Just kiss me again."

Chuck leaned in a kissed me again, this time with his tongue gently touching my lips and then my waiting tongue. He pulled me closer and we twisted on the couch to find a comfortable position. I was getting more and more aroused. My penis was straining against the gaff and my breasts seemed to be pulsating. Finally I could stand it no more and I reached down and pulled Chucks hand from around my waist and placed it firmly on my left breast and held it there.

For a moment we sat like a statue, perhaps Rodin's "The Kiss", and then Chuck moved his thumb back and forth across my nipple and I gave a shudder and moaned. He pressed his hand hard on my breast and I removed my hand from his hand and reaching down pulled his shirt out and slid my hand underneath.

We hugged and kissed like that for a bit. Our tongues touching, Chuck's hand moving back and forth, occasionally drawing a gasp from me and my hand moving up and down through the hair on his chest. I dragged a nail down the center of his chest causing him to gasp a bit and then we pulled apart to catch our breath.

I opened my eyes and glanced at Chuck. He was staring at the ceiling with a glassy eyed look. Then he pushed me away and stood up.

"Excuse me Carol, I have to clean up."

With that he dashed into the bedroom and a moment later, robe in hand went into the bathroom. I sat there open mouthed in shock. I knew that the two of us were very excited, but really. About two minutes passed and I sat on the sofa nearly strangled with frustration, one hand on a breast and the other moving up and down between my legs. Then Chuck came out and sat beside me.

I said to myself if he apologizes or tells me again that he is uncomfortable with this I was going to slug him, but Chuck washed all that away. He reached over and kissed me again and then pulling his head away looked me in the eyes.

"I don't remember the last time I been so turned on. I don't know if I've ever been so excited."

"Did you come?"

"Oh yes. Oh Carol what can I do for you?"

"Nothing now, just kiss me and hold me."

"No I really want to do something. Don't ask me to take the lead I don't know what I'm doing. I've never touched a penis before, other than mine I mean. I, I, well I…"

I grabbed him and kissed him again and Chuck rolled me over on the couch and with one hand on my breast began to fondle and squeeze again. He started to unbutton the blouse, struggling with each button as he did.

It seemed to take him ages but at last my blouse was unbuttoned. I reached in and opened his robe. Chuck still had on briefs, I assume a clean pair, but otherwise was naked beneath the robe and I could feel the warmth of his skin pressed against mine. I swear that I expected my penis to tear through the satin of the gaff at any moment.

Chuck leaned back and pulled me up a bit and his hands went around me and fumbled at the bra. I pushed him away and with more experience hands quickly undid the bra and slipped it off.

Chuck told me later that he didn't know until then that I really had breasts and that he hadn't been playing with some kind of falsie earlier. Now he just stared at my breasts for a moment and then reaching forward touched a nipple. I shivered and whispered "that's so nice."

Chuck moved closer still cupping a breast and lowered his head and kissed me right between my tits. For years I dreamed about a man kissing me there. It was a common part of my fantasies. I cuddled Chuck's head against me. He licked one nipple and then the other as I shuddered, unable to climax because of the damn gaff.

Chuck began kissing my lips again and his hand dropped to my belt.

"Carol, it is OK?"

I wanted to scream "Yes Chuck, Yes" but somehow managed to keep enough control to say "Chuck we can take this slowly, you don't have to."

Chuck didn't answer but undid my belt and the top button of my slacks. The second waistband button defeated him for a while but he got that undone as well. For a bit we just kissed and then Chuck laid us back down again and unzipped me and slid his hand down until he reached the gaff and of course found just a flat satin expanse.

"I'm wearing a gaff Chuck."

"Huh?"

"It's a garment that tucks me in and keeps me, uh, discreet. Give me a moment."

I got up and grabbing my bag took my turn in the bathroom. I quickly shed my blouse and slacks. I reached down and adjusted myself so my penis was no longer tucked away but stood up firm under the blue satin. I pulled on the robe and tied it around my waist. Then I stepped out of the bathroom.

Chuck was standing in front of the couch. I could see that he was erect again and quickly noted that while not a giant he was well proportioned. I also noted that in the years since college he had gained a little weight, but still was not fat.

While I was taking all of this in Chuck walked up to me and hugged me. We were almost equal height so we stood there with our heads on each other's shoulders and rocked back and forth. Chuck undid the robe of my belt so that our bare skin rubbed against each other. Then our penises, both straining at the fabric of our underwear rubbed each other and Chuck gasped and stepped back.

There was a look of dismay on Chuck's face, so I quickly took the lead.

"Chuck, I understand. It's OK. Give me another kiss and let's go out and get something to eat."

"No Carol. I'm not backing down."

Chuck took my hand and pulled me into the bedroom. We kissed again and this time when our penis touched he only froze for a moment. He pulled my robe off and laid me down on the bed coming behind me so that we spooned. Chuck kissed the back of my neck while his left hand massaged a breast causing me to moan and shiver. I could feel his erection pressed against my buttocks.

His hand slowly slid down caressing my stomach and then playing with the waist band of the gaff and finally pulling it down exposing my erection. I pulled the gaff further down and then shimmied my legs to kick it off. I wasn't sure what would happen next but I felt Chuck take a breath like someone about to jump into a cold lake. Then he took my penis between his fingers and ran them up and down moving the skin on the shaft.

I slammed back into him and he nipped my ear. Again he stroked my penis and I exploded onto the bed cover groaning and shouting "Oh Chuck, Oh God, Oh."

We lay like that for a few minutes. Chuck's hand, now sticky, moved up from my wilting shaft to my breasts and then back down again. I realized I was crying. Chuck kissed the back of my neck.

"Carol, is something wrong?"

"No you fool. No, I'm just overwhelmed. I'm happy."

I rolled over and hugged him and we kissed. Finally Chuck announced his arm was falling asleep and we sat up, moving apart to keep the wet spot between us.

"Let's get the cover off the bed before it seeps through" I said.

We pulled the cover off and then I went back into the bathroom. I found a washcloth and sponged down. Then I came out and with my back turned to Chuck pulled on the gaff and tucked myself in. Chuck was sitting there in just his briefs. His erection had gone down and he was looking straight ahead.

"Chuck?"

"Chuck?"

He looked at me, his eyes traveling up and down my body.

"You're beautiful."

"No I'm not, but I feel that way tonight."

I sat on the edge of the bed and looked at Chuck and put a hand on his thigh moving it up and down feeling the hair under my fingers.

"Carol?"

"Hmmm."

"I've have sandwich fixings here, or we could go out and bring stuff back."

I thought for a moment and quickly devised a plan. Oh let's go out. Isn't there that coffee shop nearby? You told me you get sandwiches and stuff there."

Chuck nodded and we got dressed, occasionally reaching out, touching each other. A couple of times I let my hand brush against his penis. Once Chuck rubbed his hand between my legs. By the time we were ready to leave we were thoroughly aroused again.

I remembered that Chuck had pointed out the coffee shop a long while back when I was visiting once as Jeremy. I also remembered that across the street was a pharmacy. Sure enough there was a Rite-Aid on the corner and just as we were about to enter the coffee shop I stopped and turned to Chuck.

"Great there's a drug store. Look I forgot something. Go in and get a table I'll be right back."

Before he could answer I had dashed to the corner and across the street. Entering the drug store I took a breath and looked around for the condom display. I had never bought condoms as Carol but I wasn't stopping now. I spotted a six-pack of unlubricated condoms which is what I had in mind and paid at the counter. I dropped them in my bag and ignoring the face of the young man at the register dashed back to the coffee shop.

Chuck was at a table in the corner looking at the menu and I sat down next to him. As we decided on coffee and sandwiches I slipped my foot out of my shoe and rubbed it against his leg. His face was priceless but afraid of embarrassing him I stopped and behaved for the rest of the meal.

Afterwards we walked about the neighborhood for a bit. Chuck waved to some friends as we passed. I had my arm under Chuck's and we walked snuggled together for a while ending up at his place chilly but happy. In the elevator I kissed Chuck who kissed me back and when the doors opened we were still clenched to the amusement of someone waiting to get on.

Giggling and blushing we ran to Chuck's apartment and closed and locked the door behind us.

I went and used the bathroom and brushed my teeth. Just before I left I took one condom out of the packet and wedged it inside the waist band of the gaff against the small of my back. Chuck used the bathroom when I was done. When Chuck came out I took his arm and sat him in his desk chair and told him to just sit there. I stood in front of him, legs slightly apart and began to undress.

I had no idea how to do a strip tease and had never seen one done. But Chuck occasionally reminds me of that evening saying it was the most erotic thing he ever saw. I didn't try to be especially sexy. I just slowly, one item at a time, took off my clothing. I started with my shoes, and then my slacks, taking the belt off first, one loop at a time. Then I pulled off my knee highs, praying I wouldn't lose balance as I stood on one leg. Then I slowly unbuttoned and removed my blouse and finally my brassiere. I ended up naked except for the blue satin gaff.

I stood there in front of Chuck once again with my legs slightly spread and with one hand massaged a breast. I smiled and reaching out the other hand beckoned him to stand up and come to me.

With him standing in front of me I undid his jeans letting them fall to the floor. Pushing against him I undid his shirt tossing it aside and leaning down nipping one of his nipples.

Chuck was breathing very hard by this time and he kicked off his shoes. I pushed him back into the chair and kneeled down in front of him. His eyes had a panicked look and his hands were gripping the arms of the chair. I pulled of his sox slowly tossing them to the side and then eased his briefs down and off of his legs.

Chuck was obviously fighting for control and gasped when I took the condom and slid it over his erect, visibly pulsing penis. He gasped even louder when I brought my head down and kissed the tip. Then I licked my lips and began to move my mouth up and down the shaft.

Just as I had lost control quickly when on the bed, Chuck climaxed almost immediately making odd hissing noises in comparison to my previous shouts and groans. One of his hands remained locked on a chair arm; the other was clutching the back of my neck. I kept moving up and down the latex clad shaft until he slumped back in the chair and moaned.

Then I stood up and sat on his lap and kissed him on the cheek. I wanted to kiss him on the lips but thought that considering what I had just been doing that might be too much for him. Slowly, slowly, I reminded myself. I never thought we be doing so much tonight.

We never made up the couch. Chuck, in a pair of running shorts and a t- shirt, me in my PJs slept in his bed that night. Once while rolling over I brushed against his penis and stroked it. He whimpered in his sleep like a puppy. When the alarm rang at 6:30 we were tangled in the sheets with my head resting on his stomach, his hand in my hair.

We didn't say much over breakfast. We smiled a lot. As I got ready to head for the train Chuck kissed me.

"Carol, thank you."

"What for?"

"Just thank you. When can we get together again? I know a great place on the West Side that has live jazz on Thursday nights."

I promised I'd call and that we'd get together soon. Then kissing Chuck again I made my way to the station. I was almost skipping like a little girl and the noisy subways seemed to have a special charm. When I arrived at the Martin's about 9:15 I was floating on air reliving the evening minute by minute. As I changed and then settled down to do some work I thought to myself.

"Damn, I don't know where this is going to go, but boy do I have a lot to tell Dr. Granger."


Chapter 13: Bricks, Mortar and Champagne

That Monday I was energized and full of joy. I checked my e-mails and there was a nice one from Chuck that he wrote in the afterglow. I scanned the newspaper and settled down to go over some accounts and then spend the rest of the day checking on the construction and looking over plans to insulate the garage and add a small heater.

My good mood continued throughout the day even though Jeanne was nasty to me when I asked her about a check she wrote (all I wanted to know was was it a personal expense or could we list is as capital improvement). I worked straight through until lunch and then sat in the kitchen with Emily eating left-overs and reading the paper.

As I was finishing a bit of cake and coffee Annette came in and pouring a glass of seltzer sat down.

"You're looking happy today."

"Yes. I'm feeling pretty good. How are you?"

The small talk continued for a bit and then Annette asked for me to sit down and discuss some things in the living room when I was done. She left and I quickly finished up and detouring by the office to grab my pad and PDA went in to join Annette.

I sat down in the living room and while Annette finished a call on her cell phone I looked around. The living room was larger than my whole apartment, even if you included the bathroom and the porch. The walls were painted in an off white with the slightest touch of rose. Large windows allowed the sun in and modern art mixed with classic furniture covered in light fabrics. It was an airy and comfortable space.

Annette sat on the couch dressed in a dark green pants suit. I had learned how to tell what she was doing by the clothes she wore. This was one of her "meet a client and show a space" outfits so I assumed she had come back from trying to sell a property. As always she was expensively but not ostentatiously dressed. When shopping I tried keep in mind some of her outfits even though I dressed younger.

Annette finally ended the call and grabbed a note pad and looked at it for a bit.

"OK Carol. Our Christmas party is coming up. You're invited of course but you're also going to help put it together. We throw a big bash about the 20th of December and usually invite about sixty to sixty five people. Normally about fifty or so show up. It's a real affair with catering, music, party favors, the whole kit and caboodle. So we've got to get to work. Mirabelli's does the catering and I've already reserved them but everything else needs to get done in six weeks. We'll start with the guest list.

With the exception of my ducking out twice to answer contractors' questions I spent the rest of the afternoon with Annette going over the party arrangements. We compared guest lists from previous years. Annette chose invitation cards over the internet and ordered 60 of them. I looked over the material sent by different musical groups for past parties and we agreed on three I'd contact. It went on and on until Annette looked up at the clock.

"Oh my goodness. Wow, it 5:15 just about. Well we got a lot done. Peter should be home soon, he said he was going to leave early and meet a supplier for Teneris in White Plains. Stay and have a drink with us and why don't you join us for dinner, I'll see what Emily is making."

I agreed to drinks and dinner and Annette said she'd get them and came back with a gin and tonic for herself and a beer for me. We sat and sipped for a moment and discussed the fall migration and birds we were seeing. Then Annette smiled at me.

"So Carol. What's your secret? You've had a shit eating grin on all day long."

I looked at her in amazement. In all months I had known and worked with Annette I had never heard her use more than "Damn" in a sentence. She smiled at me with slightly raised eyebrows.

I tried to play it coy. "Nothing really I had a very nice weekend and it's carried over."

"Hah. I know the glow you've got. I'm prying but why not? What is it? A boyfriend, a girlfriend; tell Aunt Annette, because I am dying to know."

I gave a very, very censured version of the weekend, saying that I had stayed over at Chuck's but hinting that I was sleeping on the couch. I made the point that we were old friends and I did not know if this was going to go anywhere because Chuck was not gay. I left out everything else about sex and ended that I was happy because Chuck and I were remaining close friends despite Jeremy changing over to Carol.

Annette smiled as if she didn't quite believe me. "If you want, put Chuck on guest list for the part."

I thanked her and made a note on my pad. Hoping to divert Annette from asking more questions I asked how she met Uncle Peter. Annette told me about meeting Peter at a seminar on business insurance. They were both bored and so stayed outside to talk after a break and were engaged only three weeks later. I commented on how romantic that was and we talked a bit about the ease with which people approached divorce and how relationships required work.

"You and Chuck will have to work particularly hard." said Annette.

"Well we aren't really in a relationship. I mean we're good friends but it's more college buddies than anything else."

Annette just smiled and the conversation turned to staying in touch with college friends when Uncle Peter walked in. He waved hello to me and went over and kissed Annette. When he was settled with a drink he asked how our day had been and we filled him in on the party, the patio and I told him where he could find the papers on the garage.

Dinner was pleasant enough. Jeanne joined us and despite her chilly personality maintained a gracious front. I was silent through most of the meal and listened to Uncle Peter describe some things going on at work. Part way through he stopped and asked me if I missed working at Teneris.

"Occasionally. There were a lot of people around and there was a fun give and take in the department. Sometimes I feel isolated here because now I work alone and often, except for Emily, there is nobody else around. I wouldn't change it though. I'm glad I made the move."

Interestingly Jeanne made a nice comment about how I was managing the contractors and then the talk turned to the remake of the garage and Jeanne asked why we couldn't have the same contractor work on the cottage as long as he was there. That led to a minor squabble with Uncle Peter and I just pretended I was invisible and finished my meal.

After the meal I went back to office for a few minutes and e-mailed two string trios and one harp and flute duet to see if they were available on the date of the party, what their current fees were and other details. Then I headed back to my apartment. Uncle Peter saw me leaving and beckoned me over.

"Hey Carol, I bumped into Detective Arnold this weekend and mentioned the van you saw. He said he'd ask around and that the patrol cars would be more active here for the next few weeks." I thanked Uncle Peter and walked back to my place.

Checking my cell phone I saw that Jan had called as had some one from the church. I talked with Jan for a while and then called the other number.

"Hello."

" This is Carol Baker returning your call."

"Yes, hi. This is Pat Overton. I have to apologize. Normally we try and call new congregants within a week of them putting themselves on the message board, but I've been so busy. I'm in charge of the Singles Lunches and we have one coming up on Saturday if you'd like to come. You don't need to commit, just show up around noon and if you can bring a desert or some fruit it would be appreciated."

Pat and I talked for a bit. She stressed how nice the singles group was and the kind of things they did. Some of them sounded like fun and I told her I'd go onto the church website and look at the calendar.

When I hung up I checked my e-mail and read another nice message from Chuck who apologized for not calling but he was preparing for a mock trial and expected to be over his head for a few days. He promised to call tomorrow.

I sat and stared at the computer and my phone. The weekend had turned out so wonderfully and the feeling had stayed for all of Monday. I had an interesting project in the party and finally had something to wear those black velvet pants to.

I turned on the radio and got ready for a shower. Checking my legs and arm pits I realized it was time for another session with the spinning devil as I had taken to calling the depilatory device I owned. After five minutes of "damns" and "ouches" I was smooth as could be. I checked over my face and plucked a few hairs here and there and then turned on the shower.

Standing in the shower I slowly washed, spending extra time on my breasts, penis and buttocks and thought about Chuck spooning behind me in bed. My knees felt weak and I leaned against the shower wall and let the water flow over me. On Wednesday I was going to see Dr. Granger. Would I have the guts to use the word "love" when I talked about Chuck and me?

After drying off I read a bit and again pulled out the maps to look at a trip to southern New Jersey. This time I thought about Chuck coming with us. Two up on the scooter would be too much for a trip like that. I knew Chuck couldn't ride a bike and wondered if it would be possible to rent a cruiser for a weekend. Oh well, there was time enough to plan that. There was also a time to go to bed and before 11:00 I had the lights off and slept soundly until the alarm.

The week flew by and for the first time since I left Teneris I felt as though I was really earning my money. The patio was almost complete and I spent time going over every paving brick and the barbeque. When I was done I handed a list of corrections to the contractor who didn't argue. Then I met with the contractor for the garage and arranged for Craig, the handyman, to clear the garage before the work started. I wrote checks, talked to charities that wanted donations, spoke to musicians and talked with the caterers.

Some how in the middle of all of this I managed to go with Annette to a place called Teatown Lake in Ossining to see what birds were around, talk on the phone with Jan without giving her details about Chuck and me, and grocery shop, do laundry and clean the apartment.

Tuesday evening Chuck called and we spent almost an hour on the phone talking about our dreams and fears in college and our dreams and fears today. He said he'd come up on Sunday and spend the day with me.

I rushed from place to place, taking time when I could to deal with personal matters. I closed the post office box because all important mail was now coming to Carol. I got a New York driver's license. I saw Dr. Granger.

My session with Dr. Granger went very differently from what I expected. Instead of probing questions about me and Chuck, trying to dissect emotions into little classifiable reactions I received support and concern. Dr. Granger spent most of the hour making sure that I was taking care of myself. She even brought up safe sex and when I told her about buying condoms seemed relieved.

It was only when the session was ending that she raised the most difficult question.

"It seems as though you are taking the lead in this. You told me you had anal sex with Dan and Al. I think you said it went both ways with Dan. Are you going to ask Chuck to do this and what if he will only take the male role?"

I had to think for a while.

"I don't know." I said I was being very cautious and I was surprised we did as much as we did this weekend. "Chuck doesn't say he has any regrets but I'm going to be content with only going as far as he thinks he can. I just don't know what that is."

"Carol, you know I rarely come straight out and give advice. I am here to help you reach decisions and learn about yourself, but I will take a stand on this. You've spoken before about how much your two friends, Chuck and Jan, mean to you. Don't push Chuck. Let him take the lead. You've introduced him to sex with a transgendered person. He probably justifies it by thinking of you only as a woman. If you move too much into what he may see as gay sex you may lose him. Be careful. If you need to talk about this give me a call I usually have an extra slot or two in the week."

The rest of the week I thought a lot about what Dr. Granger said. I remained happy but a concern grew that maybe I was pushing Chuck too much. It didn't help that Chuck called Wednesday evening and told me how much he loved kissing my breasts. Of course while aroused by his comment I now asked myself was this his way of ignoring the rest of me, because breasts are such a symbol of femininity.

Friday after work I shopped and picked up local apples, frozen pie crusts and walnuts and with cookbook in hand baked two apple/walnut pies for the church lunch. Chuck called and I put on my Bluetooth device and talked as I worked in the kitchen. We worked out Sunday. I would go to church and then after services ended at 10:30 would pick him up at the train station. Then Chuck asked if he could stay over.

I stopped in the middle of cleaning the counter.

"Would you like to?"

"Yes and we, I mean I am not planning on anything you know."

Keeping in mind Dr. Granger's advice I didn't say the first thing which came to mind, "Oh gee I was hoping you were." And left it at "Chuck, I just want you around."

Saturday was a cold, rainy day but the contractors were starting on the garage so I bundled up and spent an hour freezing and making sure that they left their materials in the right places and told them how to reach the bathroom and other important details. With my square body and my jeans, hiking boots and plaid shirt I am sure they all thought me some kind of butch dyke. They still looked me over and I heard a couple of asides when my back was turned.

Later as I changed to go to lunch I laughed. Oh Lord when I was Jeremy was I as obvious? I still looked at women and still could get turned on by a nice body and a pretty smile. I hoped that Jeremy had never made stupid comments about boobs and legs when I thought the woman couldn't hear, but I probably did. Yes I probably did. Now as Carol I received the looks and sometimes I laughed and sometimes I didn't.

I changed for the luncheon and dressed appropriately for the weather in brown corduroy slacks, a checkered blouse in violet and white and sensible shoes. I wore a beret I was fond of and put a light sweater under my leather coat. Cranking the Ford over I reminded myself that next week I was going to look at some cars at the garage Uncle Peter recommended. I checked to make sure the pies were secure on the floor beside me and headed off to White Plains.

I knew the route to the church by now so drove it automatically and thought again about things Dr. Granger has said. Frankly anal sex had been a minor part of my time with Dan and Al. Dan really liked it, but was as much or more into receiving as giving and while I like an orgasm as much as the next man (or woman) anal sex was not a big turn on for me. The best part of it was the extreme closeness; the feeling of two bodies becoming one. But even with Dan there hadn't been a lot of anal sex.

I realized I was becoming turned on and forced my attention back to the road. I pulled into the parking lot and taking the pies and my bag walked around to the back as I had been instructed. A sign by the door announced the singles lunch and I followed some arrows to a room full of tables and very few people.

For a moment I stood there and then a very short, plump woman came up. "Hi, are you Carol? I'm Pat."

We introduced ourselves and I was told where to drop the pies and where to hang up my coat. I asked about the small turn out and was told that I was probably the first person in the history of the singles group, other than the organizers, who had turned up on time for something. Sure enough within half an hour there were about twenty people ranging in age from late teens to early thirties milling around, eating snacks and talking.

When we sat down for lunch I found myself between two young men with no personalities and looking across the table at a brilliantly red headed man in his thirties who was very pleasant and Pat. I knew Pat was small, but when I saw her put a cushion on her chair and then climb up I realized that she was extremely short and that it was her vast quantity of energy that made her seem taller.

Pat smiled and leaned across the table "Four foot five. I know you're wondering."

I stammered a bit and then ruefully smiled and nodded. We talked a while and I found out she worked for the school district. Then the red head mentioned his sister taught locally and the conversation went the standard rounds of who you are, what you do and so forth. I'm sure the two other men said something but they disappeared beneath the laughter and jokes of Pat, Laurence and me.

After desert, there were some announcements about upcoming events such as a bowling night and people stood around and talked for a while. Pat and I discussed what it was like to move to a new town and exchanged numbers. Then I drove home.

It was on the drive home that I started to put some comments and occurrences together and began to laugh. Pat had made snide remarks about some of the men. Pat certainly had looked me up and down a bit. She suggested we could meet for dinner some night. She told me she liked the solid corduroy and leather look.

OK Carol, wake up and smell the coffee. Was I right? The more I thought about it the more I was certain that Pat was lesbian and hinting to see if I was too. In my naiveté I had not responded in any way leaving her wondering. I pulled into the supermarket lot laughing at the complications that could arise. It would be tough enough trying to explain to a man that Carol had, shall we say, "extra appurtenances". I couldn't imagine how I could explain that to a lesbian interested in things I didn't have and not interested in what I did have.

I liked the singles group and thought I'd go to some of the events, but frankly as long as Chuck and I were working on being more than just friends I wasn't going to try and find a third party. In the midst of all this I stopped and realized I hadn't given a thought to Alan.

Hah, OK that proves it Carol. It is Chuck that moves you. Alan may be better built but you get turned on thinking about Chuck. Well he's coming over tomorrow, let's see what happens.

After shopping I neatened up a bit in the apartment and then checked, again, on the contractors. This time as I talked I positioned myself so that I could see a reflection in the window. As I talked with the crew chief I watched as the other two workers stopped and not knowing themselves observed unabashedly looked me up and down and whispered back and forth. I was tempted to give them a wink as I walked out but decided to play it safe.

Back at the apartment I made my regular weekend call to my parents emphasizing the amount of work I had to do and how I was becoming more and more involved at the church. Fortunately my parents were primarily concerned with my sister and her children (both down with chicken pox) so the call went easily.

The rest of the afternoon was reading the mail, answering some e-mails and making dinner. The evening was spent eating the dinner, reading a book and hoping Chuck would call. He didn't. Then trying to figure out why I didn't call him I showered and climbed into bed.

I rarely ever dream and when I do it is usually nonsense. That night I dreamt that Chuck and I were trying to figure out some mathematical problem. I could tell that Chuck wanted to stop and have sex with me but for some reason I was bundled up in thick clothing and I couldn't get out of my chair to take the stuff off.

Over breakfast I pondered the dream. Was it frustration or was I trying to tell myself I didn't want to go further with Chuck, or was it just my mind playing games. Dr. Phillips would have delved into the dream demanding I try and interpret it. So far Dr. Granger and I had not discussed dreams so I wasn't sure if she would be interested.

Church was comforting as always. People sat close together and prayed and sang. A guest minister led the service and talked about how so many Jewish and Christian holidays take place at the same time and why it occurred and whether it should mean anything.

Normally after services I would hang about and have some coffee and cookies and talk with people but today I quickly said hello to a few I recognized and dashed out the door only being a few minutes late at the train station to pick up Chuck.

When Chuck saw my car he waved and I stepped out of the car to meet him. He hugged me and gave me a kiss and I suddenly thought of all the commuters whose wives picked them up in the evening. I had seen the parade of mostly men coming out of the station. They would come up to the car and slide into the seat lean over and give a kiss. Hmmm, what would people think seeing us.

We small talked on the way home and coming up to the Martin's place I pointed out a small sedan parked near the Armstrong's house half hidden in the bushes. Chuck thought about it for a moment.

"You know, all these cars and vans seem pretty obvious. I mean if someone had the Armstrongs under surveillance don't you think they'd try and be less conspicuous?"

I hadn't thought about that and we bandied back and forth possibilities. They way Chuck said it the whole thing seemed silly with out making me feel stupid. By the time I had parked the car we reached the possibility that the Armstrongs were moon shiners and the cars and vans were pickup vehicles. The little boat in was used to smuggle the booze to New Jersey and it was run by a kingpin called "Big Ma" in Kentucky.

Laughing out loud we grabbed Chuck's bag from the car and walked towards the garage.

"Hello there."

We turned to see Claire walking to us. It hadn't occurred to me that I see anyone and what made me feel really insecure was that Chuck had an overnight bag in his hand. Chuck came to the rescue.

"Hi, Claire it's good to see you again, how are you?"

I was shocked. I had never seen Chuck in his "young lawyer" mode. There was a confidence and sociality I was blown away by. I stayed quiet for a minute or two while Claire and Chuck said hello to each other and bemoaned the poor train service on the weekends. Then I mentioned that I had to eat something and had some stuff for lunch upstairs but Claire laughed that off and she and Chuck agreed that we'd all eat down at her place.

"Don't worry, the dragon‘s not in the den" Claire said.

Chuck and I went upstairs to put away his bag and freshen up. I turned to Chuck. "What's with the hail fellow well met act? I thought we'd have a quiet lunch together and then go for a walk or something."

I just looked at Chuck while in the back of my mind I went over a little fantasy I had of Chuck not making it through lunch before we ended up on the couch.

Chuck just gave me a smile. "Trust me on this. Let's be friends together for the day as far as Claire is concerned. It will be easier if we are seen this way rather than as a couple hiding in your love nest."

I had to agree with Chuck's idea as much as I wanted to be alone with him. We walked down to the cottage and knocked on the door. Claire let us in and I looked around. The cottage was a small two story building and I could see quickly that the downstairs consisted of a small living room, a smaller dining room and a nice sized kitchen. I could imagine upstairs as having two bedrooms and a bathroom. It was a nice place but two women with wildly different personalities would find it cramped.

Chuck was right. The lunch was relaxed and unlike the dinner at my place Chuck and Claire really got to talk to each other. Claire learned that we had been in college together, no we were not a couple, and stayed in touch. Claire and Chuck did most of the talking and I became more at ease. I was sure that Claire would tell the Martins about the nice young man who was visiting Carol without giving any indication that we were romantically involved.

After lunch we walked around the property a bit and then the drizzle started again and Chuck and I ran back to the apartment and dashed through the door panting just as the skies opened with a cold rain. Chuck looked around and touched the flowers in the vase.

"You've really made this place look nice. I didn't take a good look when I was up here for dinner. I keep thinking of it filled with cardboard boxes." Then he smiled, "maybe I was staring too hard at Cathy."

"Thanks, you guys were a real help with the move."

"Oh it was fun. I like Jan and Sid as well. Sid is odd. He dresses and sounds like a street punk and drives that grape pickup but then it turns out he teaches at a prep school."

We stood and looked at each other and then Chuck stepped forward and gave me a big kiss and a hug.

"Thanks for asking me to come up." He kissed me again and one of his hands moved down to cradle my backside.

I moved closer and felt my breast crush against Chuck's chest. We stood there as close as we could and for the first time Chuck really pushed his tongue into my mouth. In time we ran out of breath and separated enough to look at each other.

"Wow."

"Yes wow indeed."

This time we hugged less intensely and rocked back and forth. Then we took off our jackets and hung them up and Chuck looked at me.

"Carol, can we talk a bit?"

He sat down at the kitchen table and I sat across from him. I felt worried but there was something on his face that made me know that this was not a prelude to a breakup.

"I spent some time on the internet and got two books from the local Barnes and Noble" Chuck said. "I know I'm going to sound like a lawyer but that makes me more comfortable. I want us to stay friends and I want us to be more than that so I need to know the ground I am standing on and I need to know some more about transgender."

I said "Your time on the web must have been educational."

"You know once you get past the porn there is a lot of good material. The hardest part was going to the counter at Barnes and Noble and buying The Transgender Studies Reader and the New Joy of Gay Sex. I thought alarm bells were going to ring and I swear I must have been bright scarlet."

I laughed. "Oh Chuck, now you know what I used to feel like when I started shopping for women's clothes but wasn't able to fool anyone about being a woman. It is so hard but usually no one cares."

"Yeah I guess so. However I spent a lot of time reading as I said. Here's my position…"

"Said the budding lawyer" I interjected.

"Yes, here's my position. I'm open to try things because it's you. Not because I'm gay. You have to tell me what to do but I'll try and not be stupid. Also I don't know what I can do. It's one thing to read about stuff, it's another to actually be, to be, well to do9 stuff in bed."

"Chuck it's going to be harder if you can't say things."

"Ok, Carol I don't know if I can suck your cock."

I sighed in relief. "Oh Chuck. You don't have to. All you have to do is be here with me. I promise I will let you know what I want. What I want most of all is to get this table out from between us and be close to you."

Chuck stood up and with a ceremonial wave of his arms came around and held my chair for me like a waiter as a fine restaurant. I stood up and we hugged again. As we hugged Chuck slipped a hand between us and kneaded my left breast, making my knees shake. I kissed him hard and he responded. Still in a clench we shuffled over to the couch and we lay with Chuck on top of me. In that position we kissed and touched for a while. Then my phone rang.

I have my cell phone set up so that there are two rings and one is for people I don't want to miss. The priority ring was sounding so I pushed Chuck away, walked over and saw that it was the Martins calling.

As I talked with Annette who wanted Chuck and I to come over for drinks before they headed out for dinner with friends, Chuck came up behind me, pressed against my back and reaching around fondled my breasts. I stuttered a bit on the phone and Annette asked if I had tried to say something.

"No, just started to cough." I tried to push Chuck away but he just leaned over and nibbled my ear. Some how I managed to get Annette off the line without giggling or something and then turned and pushed Chuck back.

"Hey Chuck that's not fair."

"No but it is fun."

"Well we are supposed to join the Martin's for a drink at 5:30. Then they'll head out for dinner and we'll figure out where we want to eat as well."

We both checked our watches and saw it was not yet 2:00.

"What were you planning on doing this afternoon?"

"I thought we'd go down to the river and then up Route 9, but the weather is lousy so…"

Chuck just smiled. "Let's stay in." He came over and started to unbutton my blouse.

"Wait a moment" I said, and went and pulled the curtains on the living room window.

Chuck followed me and when I turned around he continued to unbutton my blouse. I just stood there taking in the feelings of the air against my skin and his hands brushing against my belly and then my breasts. When I could stand it no more I reached up and kissed him.

We continued to slowly take off each other clothes until Chuck had on just his socks and briefs and I just my knee high hose and control panties. Tucked in, my penis was semi-erect but I could see that Chuck was fully stiff.

Chuck led me to the bedroom and we sat down side by side. His right arm slipped around me and pulled me close. We sat for a moment skin to skin then Chuck let his arm slip down and lie on my thigh.

"Carol. I don't know if this makes me gay or not and I don't care. I love you and I am not pretending that you're really a woman."

"I am a woman."

"OK let me rephrase that, I am not pretending you don't have a penis. I'll deal with that. It matters, but not as much as the fact that I love you."

I turned and pushed Chuck over on the bed and climbing on top of him gave him a kiss.

"I love you too. I'm so glad we didn't discover this in college."

"Huh?"

"No, we're not some college kids who will feel guilty about what we're doing. I'd rather be grown up and with you now."

Chuck just looked at me and said "I've no idea what you're talking about." Then he leaned up and kissed me on the nose. His hands slipped into the back of my panties and fondled my buttocks. I ground my belly into his feeling his erection and tried to get a hand between us to stroke it but couldn't get in between our closely packed bodies.

I slid off Chuck and reaching down pulled off his brief. I cupped his balls in my hand gave them a little squeeze. Then I laid my head on his chest and slowly started to move my hand up and down his shaft. Chuck's breathing became ragged and with one hand he pinched a nipple while the other ran through my hair.

I increased the pace of my stroking and grabbing some tissues with a free hand brought Chuck to climax, laughing at the contortions of his body and the hissing noises he made as he came. We lay like that for a bit. From time to time I stroked Chuck and he would shudder again.

Then Chuck slid down and placing his mouth over my left breast sucked as much of it in as he could. I grabbed him and pulled his head into me and moaned and said his name again and again as his tongue played with my nipple. He switched to the other breast as he slipped a hand into my panties.

I could not think straight as his mouth teased my breasts and his hand ran up and down my penis, occasionally drifting down to caress my scrotum. After what seemed forever I started to buck and writhe and exploded over his hand and inside my panties. Chuck kept sucking one of my breasts and with his cum covered hand massaged and tickled the other until it became almost painful.

"Oh God, enough, please. Oh that was wonderful. Oh Lord." My head slumped back onto his chest and we lay there sticky together. Time drifted by and we sort of nodded off. When I looked at the clock it was almost 4:15.

"Hey Chuck wake up."

"MMMM."

"No wake up, we need to shower."

Chuck smiled at me and pulled me back to kiss him and we lay back down for a few minutes. Then I got up and pulling off my panties went into the bathroom and tossed them in the hamper.

"Come one, we'll shower together." I grabbed an extra towel and pulling the curtain around the tub turned on the water to let it warm up. Chuck was still sitting on the bed. "Come on Chuck, we need to get clean."

"Shower together?"

"Yes, shower together."

Chuck smiled hesitantly and came into the bathroom. I wondered at some areas of his experience. He had made love to women and to me. He had just had an orgasm and brought me to one, yet the idea of getting into the shower with me made him shy.

We stepped into the shower. As the water sprayed over us and I adjusted the temperature Chuck started to talk.

"Hey Carol, please turn around."

I turned and faced him.

"Alright; You see this is, I mean we've done some stuff together, we just made love I mean, but this is the first time I've actually looked at you with your panties off."

He stood and looked me up and down taking in my face, my breasts, my taut stomach and my penis. It lay there limp and unthreatening. Chuck looked at it for a moment. I could feel him steeling himself and then he reached out and fondled it as the water ran over us.

"I can deal with this love."

I nodded agreement and kissed him lightly. Then I took the soap and a washcloth. I lathered up and slowly washed Chuck's penis. Then I washed his chest. He took the soap from me and starting at my breasts slowly washed me in turn. His hands going lower and lower until he soaped and washed my penis as well.

By now we were both fully erect. I turned him around and washed his back and buttocks and finally reaching his crack soaped in there as well waiting to see what his reaction would be. He did not pull away and then he washed my back and getting down on his knees Chuck washed my legs and feet. Just as he was standing up he gave the tip of my penis a quick kiss in passing and I almost toppled over in surprise and joy.

I don't know how long we spent in the shower but when we were done we spent time toweling each other off as well which led to some more play and kissing. It was about 5:00 when we finally made it out of the bathroom. Chuck started to dress but I was caught with an erection to deal with so it took me a few more minutes of deep breathing and thinking about check books to become soft enough to cram it into a gaff.

I chose closely tailored beige slacks and a loose sweater with a floppy roll neck. I slipped a thin leather belt over the sweater and grabbed a pair of low heels. I brushed my hair, applied some make up and then looking in the mirror realized that Chuck was standing there watching me with a mixture of awe and impatience.

"It is strange to see you get dressed."

"Stranger than watching me get undressed?"

"Yes, because I sort of know what I'll see when you take your clothes off, but now I'm watching any traces of Jeremy disappear."

I smiled and finished my makeup. I chose a necklace to wear and put on my watch. I checked my bag to make sure I had my PDA and other things. Then taking Chuck by the hand we went down the steps and quickly into the back door before the rain could soak us.

The Martin's were in the living room with Jeanne. I introduced Chuck all around. Coals were smoldering in the fireplace and on the table strips of endive with salmon sat on a plate. Uncle Peter finished shaking hands with Jeremy.

"I've opened a bottle of Champagne. Would you like some?"



Chapter 14: What it means to be a couple.

It took a while to figure out where to go to dinner. I did not want to go to Carlo's because I did not want to bump into Alan or some of the other bikers. The diner wasn't nice enough and the one place I had gone with the Martin's was more expensive than Chuck or I wanted. Then I remembered Uncle Peter recommending a place in Croton called Justin Thyme. Normally I am allergic to shops and restaurants with cute names but the place sounded nice.

Chuck and I climbed in the car and drove north. Chucks mentioned that it was time to retire the car and probably shoot it out of mercy and I reminded him that I had told him I was car shopping the coming week. Justin Thyme was a nice place if a bit noisy and we had a nice dinner. Then we drove back home.

At the apartment I poured us each a glass of wine and decided it was time to have "The Talk." I knew Chuck wasn't thinking about some things I had experience with and they had to be dealt with.

"Chuck we have to talk about safe sex."

Chuck nearly dropped his glass and barely managed to not spill the wine.

"What?"

"Just what I said. Now I have, not a confession but some history to put on the table. Since college I have had one lover, a man. We practiced safe sex up to a point but, sometimes we could have been safer. After we broke up I went to Planned Parenthood and they took a blood sample. So I know I'm not HIV positive or have herpes or anything else like that."

"Oh." Chuck just looked at me as though I had two heads.

"What Chuck, did you think you were my first lover?"

"No, not at all. It's just that I never thought about any of this."

"Well after college how did you protect yourself?"

Chuck blushed a bit and looked down. "After college I never seemed to get anywhere with the girls I went out with. We had fun together, even kissed a bit but I never managed to get into bed with them."

Chucked looked up and smiled "I guess I was waiting for Carol to come along." He laughed. "In college of course Meryl and I (OK so it wasn't Mary or Maria) used condoms but that's a long time ago."

Chuck looked at me. "I'll get tested of course. I'm sure I'm clean but I'll go to the clinic at Columbia and get it taken care of."

"It's not that I don't trust you Chuck."

"No. You are right Carol. It's a lousy thing to have to deal with but that's our society now."

We sat for a moment and sipped our wine. Chuck looked at me. "We really are tuning into a couple you know."

"What do you mean?"

"We talk about the tough things not just the nice stuff."

I got up and turned on the classical music station and sat beside him. I leaned against him and sipped some more wine.

"Dinner was nice."

"Yes."

"This afternoon was lovely."

"Yes."

"The Martin's said I could invite you to the Christmas party. It's on the 19th. Will you come?"

"I'd love to. How do I have to dress?"

"I'll find out."

I put my wine glass down and leaned over and kissed Chuck on the cheek. I could feel the stubble. "You need a shave."

I kissed him again and heard the clink as he put his glass down. He pulled me close to him and we kissed a bit and then just cuddled.

"Damn I wish I were smaller."

"Why?"

"I'd love to cuddle in your lap and just be surrounded by you."

Chuck pulled me into his lap. Chuck at six foot tall was larger than me at five foot eight but I'm no light weight and after about a minute I wiggled off him.

"Nope. I can feel your bones groaning."

"They weren't"

I cuddled a bit more on the couch and then Chuck pulled me to the floor and we lay on the carpet and kissed gently. It was different from the frenzy of the afternoon; a kiss here, a nibble there, a light touch of a nipple and lick of the tip of the nose. Chuck rolled over on his back and sighed.

"I'm happy. I'm glad to be here. I'm glad to be with you."

I sat up and looked down at Chuck. He smiled up at me. I pulled him into a sitting position. "Tell me. Do I make up the couch or do we go to bed together?"

Chuck shaved and changed into shorts and a t-shirt. I washed up and put on my sexy red silk pj's. We lay in bed together looking at the ceiling. Chuck's arm was under my head. My hand was on his thigh.

"Shall I turn off the light?"

"If you want; Is the alarm set, remember I have to catch the 7:32."

"Yes love. We'll have time for breakfast. Goodnight."

When I saw Chuck off at the train station I was one of many women kissing their men as they went to work. Even in this day and age, male commuters outnumber the women. I stopped at the dry cleaners on the way home and then sat down in the office to deal with phone messages and other odds and ends.

Monday morning was usually a slack time. The mail would come about 11:30 and until then there was not much to do. I checked on the work on the garage and confirmed that it would be finished the next day. I made a few calls about the party and typed up a revised guest list so Annette and I could write out the invitations when the cards came.

About 11:00 Annette came back. She was talking on the phone and dropped her bag in the chair and waved at me.

"No, I don't think they'll accept three fifty. That's twenty and a touch percent off the asking price. Hold it let me get my calculator. They're asking four forty seven so I'd offer three eighty on that property. Think about it. You can reach me or Sue at the office. OK, Bye."

Annette smiled at me. "That's going to work out. They can go to four hundred and five thousand and they like the land. OK what's going on here?"

I filled her in on where the work on the garage was. Then I showed her the guest list and we made one last addition. Emily came in with the mail and we sorted through it. When we had done all of that Annette looked at me.

"Close the door."

I closed the door and sat down facing her.

"Tell me about Chuck."

"We're friends from college."

"No dice. I can see the way you look at each other. The quick sly looks you think no one else can see. Does he know about Jeremy?"

"Oh Annette, I am telling the truth, or at least most of it. Chuck and I went to the University of Virginia together. He was a year behind me and we were close friends. We kept our friendship going after college but that is all it was."

"I told him I was gay after college, and I let him know about being transgender when I realized that about myself. It was only when he started to help me with the move that we started to fall for each other."

Annette just shook her head. "Is he gay?"

"No but he's coping."

Annette looked as if someone were trying to force a pulped lemon down her throat.

"Coping?"

I sat and thought for a moment. How could I explain to a sympathetic but older woman what love and sex was like between a transgender/gay and a straight/confused person? Then an idea came to me.

"Annette, imagine you met someone who really shook you up emotionally. Someone you could talk with, spend time with. After a while the two of you start maybe kissing."

"All right I'm still with you."

"But this person has a problem. Not an emotional one. He's deformed in some way. You can't see it when he's dressed but when he takes his clothes off there is something that really turns you off."

"Now imagine you're falling in love with him and he shows you that he can drive you wild but there are some things in making love that have to be different. Remember when he is dressed he is attractive and a good lover."

I took a breath.

"Annette, would you try and cope, try and learn?"

I stopped and realized I was getting teary. I took a deep breath.

"I have a deformity. That's how I view it. When I save up enough, and when I've lived for a least a year as a woman I'm going to have corrective surgery. That's how I view it. In the mean time I cope. I pretend I'm normal. Chuck is doing the best to cope and pretend as well."

Annette came over and gave me a hug. She sat down again.

"Surgery?"

"Yes, I am working with a therapist and I am living as a woman and at some point I intend to have surgery so I can be a much of a woman as I can be. Until then I cope."

Annette and I sat silently for a minute and then we heard a knocking at the office door.

"Come in."

Emily came in and asked if we wanted lunch and Annette said that we both would come into the kitchen and eat. When Emily was gone Annette turned to me.

"Do you need help?"

"In what way?"

"You said you were saving up for surgery."

"No I have an account that I drop money into every month. Besides you pay me too much already."

We sat and ate lunch and because Emily was in the kitchen discussed the recent Audubon Society magazine. When we were done Annette went to make some calls and then headed back to the real estate office. I went back to the office to pay bills and work on the party.

I sat back to stretch and thought about my situation. I was a 28 year old woman who was physically a man living as a woman. I was being paid very well to do an easy job. I liked the people I was working for. I had Jan as a good friend and Chuck as a friend and lover. I was financial sound if not well off.

I thought back to the years after college when I would stand in my New Jersey apartment in tears cursing that I was born a man. Now I was sitting in an office Westchester. I was dressed in a pair of brown corduroys and a tan turtle neck and a string vest. I wore a pair of short heels and lycra, knee high hose. Where I had once had to hide my small breasts now I wore a brassiere to emphasize what little I had and I wore make up and went to the hair dresser not the barber.

I sat up straight and shook myself. Thinking back to the times I cursed and raged I felt ashamed.

"Dear God, Hi it's Carol. This is not a prayer asking for help or complaining. It is just a thank you. It has been rough and I know I have complained a lot. I'm sorry. Thank you for Chuck and for Annette. Thank you…."

When I was done I felt wonderful. I felt at peace. Yes some people would call me perverted or sinful. I had no idea how Chuck was going to deal with his family but we would find a way. I had made it this far, we would make it further. I thought about calling Chuck then and there but decided to let him get on with his studies. This was his last year at law school. He had already talked with the Dean about some ideas for the future and a law firm that had employed him for two summers had told him there was probably a job waiting for him when he graduated.

I tried to imagine myself and Chuck as a "married" couple. I had no problems seeing us doing things together from the mundane shopping to the erotic nights. I just could not imagine living together. I had always had my own space. I had my apartment in New Jersey and now I had my apartment in Tarrytown. I had never shared a room except during my freshman year in college. I could see that there were adjustments to be made on either side.

"Wake up woman" I snapped at myself. "Your building dream castles again. Don't start planning a married life until you and Chuck figure out how to live this one."

I got back to work and kept my nose to the grindstone until 4:15 when I ran out of things to do. I checked on the progress in the garage and ducked an invitation by one of the men to go out for a drink. Then I went back to my place and checked on e-mails and paid a few personal bills.

Chuck called about 5:00 and we tried to say something to each other but couldn't get past how nice Sunday was and how much we wanted to be together. That is fine for a while but we agreed that the conversation wasn't going anywhere. Chuck asked me to come in on Wednesday; we settled on me coming in Thursday early evening and staying over.

Then just as we were about to hung up Chuck gasped.

"Oh I forgot why I called in the first place. One of my professors has a friend at Carswell House, the publishing company. He passed them a paper I wrote on intellectual rights and electronic books and they want to talk with me. I'm meeting with them next Monday."

That meant we spent another ten or so minutes on the phone. When we hung up I looked at the screen which told me someone had left a message and I listened to Alan asking if I wanted to join some of the riders at Carlo's about 6:30. I didn't have to respond, just show up.

I decided to go to dinner and found myself wishing Chuck could come with me. I'd show Alan that somebody wanted my body and at the same time discourage some of the flirting and pick up lines I usually enjoyed. Oh well, I guess I am half of a couple now.

I spent a few more minutes paying my bills and answering some personal e-mails. Then I thought about how to dress and decided to stick with my some what conservative look. I wasn't trying to get Alan all hot and it was easier to be attractive with out being seductive.

I put on a heavier jacket and my beret and drove up to Carlos's. To my surprise there was a bike there. As I went by I looked it over and saw the wires that the rider would attach to a heated vest or jacket liner. Even so I was impressed because it was getting cold.

Dinner was nice. Alan was friendly, his friend Max had ridden the bike and was funny and flirted in an innocent way. There was also a couple that lived in Ossining who rode when the weather was warm and it was nice to have a woman to talk to. The best part of the meal was when Max brought out a small mp3/video device and showed us pictures of his ride in the Smokies. We all agreed that it looked like heaven.

That night I dreamed again and woke up laughing. In my dream I was behind Chuck on a motorcycle. I was pressed against him with my arms tight around his waist. However Chuck obviously didn't know how to ride because we couldn't get the bike moving much faster than walking speed and others were passing us by and waving.

Work continued. Invitation cards came in and I and Annette filled them in, addressed them and sent them out. Uncle Peter and I chose a string trio for the music. Annette approved the menu for the party and Uncle Peter sent me out to pick up three cases of wine. I balanced the check books, I paid the bills and one morning drove down to Arlen's Autobody and Repair.

Uncle Peter had called ahead and I looked at four or five cars on the lot. The salesman explained that most of these cars had been in an accident and the shop had rebuilt them. After I bit I decided to test drive a bright red PT cruiser that had a price of $9,950. I liked the car and found out its history. Then we started to bargain and arrived at a final figure less tax and with them "purchasing my car" of $6,755. At the beginning the salesman took the "let's help the young lady find a car" attitude but I quickly got around that by discussing frames, alignment, repair records, etc.

I arranged to trade cars on Friday and left a deposit. It was strange but I got a bit choked up driving away in my old Ford. I purchased it used in my senior year of college and had put almost 37 thousand miles on it. It was quirky, not that dependable and looked bad but it was my car. It was also one of the last big items I still owned from when I was Jeremy. Now all that was left was some forgettable furniture and some books and my scooter.

I did some quick errands and headed back to the Martins. For the first time in a while I thought a car might be following me. It was a little red car and it kept behind me for a few miles and then as I turned onto our road kept going straight. I reminded myself to not be paranoid and got back to work.

After work I sat down at my computer and wrote a couple of letters that had to be taken care of. I asked my primary care physician in New Jersey if he could recommend a doctor in Westchester who might be able to deal with my particular needs. I made a note in my PDA to ask Dr. Granger the same question. I wrote the same letter to my endocrinologist in Manhattan. I wasn't sure how long I would be living in Westchester but it seemed that I would probably be here for more than a year so I decided to put down some medical roots.

On Wednesday evening Uncle Peter and I went over the household accounts and I showed him how I was listing the expenses by type. He and I covered some portions of Claire's and Jeanne's accounts as well. When we were done Uncle Peter sat back.

"Jeremy, I know you prefer to be called Carol, but do me the favor of letting me call you Jeremy once more. Annette told me you were worried that the job was too easy but you are doing a great job here. You can't imagine how much less strain there is knowing that a professional is dealing with the accounts, the contractors and items like that. How do you think it's going?"

I told Uncle Peter how happy I was. I mentioned a few concerns but skipped over Jeanne. Then I told him how I was still a bit uncomfortable (that favorite word of Chuck's) because I was half an employee, half a relative, a member of the household, and neither quite neither fish nor fowl.

Uncle Peter and I ended up talking for probably an hour. I realized that he missed the give and take we used to have. We discussed my situation and argued a bit about the concept of same sex marriage. We laughed about my dealing, as a woman, with the contractors. When Annette poked her head in a lot of my tension had eased.

"Oh Annette, I need to ask. Actually Uncle Peter you can probably answer this better. How will the men be dressed for the Christmas party?"

Annette started to talk but Uncle Peter shushed her and in quick "men's language" laid out the dress code. I laughed a bit.

"I guess it helps to be bi-lingual."

We all laughed and went our separate ways. While talking with Uncle Peter my cell phone had vibrated but I chose not to answer. When I got back to the apartment I checked the message and found it was Pat asking if I wanted to join her and some friends for a light dinner on Friday night at a coffee shop that had live music. I called back, got her answering machine and said yes.