Happily Ever After? Chapters 2 and 3

by:	Darla Raspberry

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Rating: G	Add Review   Read Reviews, Last Review 05/09/07 (1)	Added: 05/09/2007
Complete: SIBC
Synopsis:	Joan struggles to find her place in this life. Sam continues to put himself at risk for the love of the game.
Categories:	Misc Stories
Keywords:	Hormones

Chapter 2

Be My Baby

It took me awhile to get to sleep and I found it almost impossible to remain in that state. Sam wasn't up for any fooling around and drifted off quickly with his arm and leg draped over me possessively. This was what I'd wanted, wasn't it? Why was I having these gnawing doubts about everything? If I had the chance, I'd definitely take a few days and just go off by myself somewhere. The weight of the entire situation was beginning to drag me down.

Finally, the morning arrived and I made good use of the shower. It was almost eight o'clock by the time I'd finished and Sam was still sleeping soundly. I felt out of place here at Aunt Alice's. I found myself missing my room, my dog, and yes, even my mother. It still gave me great joy to stand there and watch Sam sleeping. He looked so peaceful. Totally at ease with the world. I envied his outlook.

I did a few more loads of laundry and checked out the food situation. I slowly shook my head from side to side as I viewed the mountain of frozen foods in the freezer. After taking a total inventory, I realized that they didn't even have cheerios. I began to wonder if I'd ever feel like anything other than a visitor who'd overstayed her welcome here.

I made my way back upstairs. It was time for my husband to awaken. "Sam, sweetheart, it's time to get up," I cajoled as best I could. He grabbed Josam and covered his head with the stuffed toy. "Darling come on, you've got a doctor's appointment, remember?" I reminded.

He slowly arose from the bed. He didn't seem at all happy about it. That was one thing that he and Mom had in common. They could both sleep forever and through anything. I made some coffee (instant, yuck!) while I waited for him to finish his shower. The smell of the coffee was more than I could take and I soon found myself sitting on the back steps with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. There would be no more smoking in the houses. I wondered how Mom would react to that?

Aunt Melissa had agreed to chauffeur us to Dr. Feingold's office. I hoped I'd be able to convince her to stop at the food store on the way back. While there was plenty of food at our house, there was little of nutritional value at Sam's. Just one more way to spend my money. I couldn't very well ask Aunt Alice for grocery money, could I?

Sam looked radiant as he made his way into the kitchen. His smile was inspirational. He stared greedily at my coffee and was angry when I refused to share. I reminded him of Dr. Feingold's insistence that he fast, as she wanted to do some blood work. At last I had him ready to head on over to my house.

Aunt Melissa seemed in fine spirits as I greeted Shandy hello. I could tell that my baby missed me. Even though she paid more attention to anyone else, she was still my baby. Sam was starting to get a bit angry as his sense of smell focused on the aroma of left over eggs and sausages. I told Aunt Mel that we'd be waiting for her outside and quickly ushered him out of the kitchen. . We made the short trip to the medical center in silence. Everything seemed perfect health wise, but you could never be too careful, I guess? Dr. Feingold's office was relatively empty when we arrived. Sam went and signed in and the three of us took our seats in the waiting room. I'd never really known anyone who was pregnant before. That sounds crazy, I know, but I had no experience in this area whatsoever.

At last, the good doctor came and collected Sam herself. She had a huge smile for the Waves' best pitcher. I knew better than to make the attempt to accompany Sam. Besides, Aunt Melissa had grabbed my arm to restrain me as I tried to join them. It seemed she didn't know what to say either. She made several attempts at conversation, but I had no idea what she was going on about. We sat there waiting as two strangers might while waiting for a bus.

There was only one thing on my mind this morning: the twins. It seemed like Sam was gone for an inordinately long time. I finally found myself pacing the waiting room. At last, Sam came through the office door with a huge smile on his face. I heaved an unintentionally enthusiastic sigh of relief. It seemed he was indeed in perfect health, but the doctor had prescribed some special vitamins for the duration. Dr. Feingold also came over and greeted us. She actually thanked me for taking such good care of Sam. I responded by turning several shades of crimson and smiled blankly at her in return.

Another appointment was made for four weeks hence and we headed off to the local supermarket. I was determined to provide a healthy diet for my husband. Lots of fruits and vegetables as well as sufficient lean protein and the like. It became exasperating as I had to keep removing junk food from our cart as we strolled up and down the aisles. I thought about relenting a bit, but I realized that Sam needed a firm hand in regards to nutrition. I could be the bad guy if that's what it took.

We arrived back at Sam's and I spent the next hour and a half cleaning out the refrigerator and putting everything away. Hell, they didn't even have real coffee. Yes, I know that coffee is not on anyone's list of nutritional requirements but my own. Half an hour later I had the coffee pot, which had been sitting dirty on the kitchen counter for what could have been eons, cleaned and soon had fresh grounds brewing.

While I slaved away in the kitchen, Sam had found his way back to bed. I couldn't begrudge him his sleep. Although he put on a brave front, I'm sure he was having his doubts as well. Just the odor of fresh coffee brewing lifted my spirits. I poured myself a cup and sat down at the kitchen table and began to compile a "to do" list. It seemed I wouldn't have to worry about cleaning our house for the time being. Aunt Melissa took better care of it than I ever did. She'd surely be missed when it was time for her to leave.

It had been over an hour since Sam went to lie down and I knew that he had baseball practice this afternoon. Not wishing for a grumpy repeat performance of this morning's activities, I brought a cup of coffee up into his room. "Sam, time to get up," I whispered again. He grumbled a bit but finally opened his eyes and reached for the coffee..

"You've got ball practice, remember?"

I could tell he was considering skipping the entire affair. "If you'd rather sleep sweetheart, go ahead, it's ok." That was what he needed to hear to get him in motion. A little reverse psychology did the trick. "Lunch will be ready in fifteen minutes darling," I whispered as I made my way down the stairs.

I began to wonder how he'd ever grown so big and strong on the garbage that Aunt Alice provided. I made him a salad and a half pound burger (extra lean beef, of course). That would have to hold him till dinnertime. Sam voiced a few complaints about the funny tasting lettuce. I began laughing as I realized he hadn't recognized the spinach for what it was. He finished up, kissed me goodbye, and told me he'd be home for dinner.

I put on my painting clothes and made my way over to the Cohen home. Ben and Ida Cohen had moved here from Pennsylvania a number of years ago. I surveyed the work they wanted done and told them it was going to cost in the neighborhood of three hundred dollars. They both seemed a bit dismayed at my estimate, but made no complaints. I called Aunt Mel and told her that I wouldn't be home for dinner. I wasn't leaving till the job was finished.

Seven thirty rolled around and I began dragging my feet. I still had a fair amount of trim work to do. Although I'd wanted to finish the job in one shot, that wasn't going to happen. I bade the Cohens farewell and told them I'd see them bright and early in the morning. I arrived home at eight and headed straight for the shower. I needed the feeling of just being "home" no matter how temporary it might be.

I found myself wondering if I could actually do this. No, not being Joan, but being married and living someplace that wasn't "home." I missed things the way they were. Hell, I found myself missing my sanding block! Hopefully, these feelings would pass. I grabbed a change of clothes out of my dresser and headed downstairs. Mom and Aunt Mel greeted me when I walked into the kitchen.

"And why aren't you with your husband?" Mom asked. A feeling of terror suddenly encompassed me. I really needed to get away. I told Mom and Aunt Mel that I was going out for a bit. If Sam called they were to tell him I'd be home by ten. I didn't hang around waiting for any kind of response. I grabbed my purse and made my exit.

I found myself strolling aimlessly on the boards. It all felt different somehow. Things just seemed a little darker, a little dingier. Why was I feeling so down? I bought a soda and a slice and sat at a table mindlessly munching pizza. I'd never felt so alone before in my life. Sitting here surrounded by literally thousands of people and I felt desolate. I finished eating and found that I didn't feel like doing anything. Didn't want to see anyone, talk to anyone. I just wanted to be alone. I made my way down to the beach and sat at ocean's edge, just out of its reach.

Had it really been less than a month ago when Fred found me serenading the waves? He kissed me. I found myself remembering it fondly. Now I guessed he was kissing Darla. Was I ok with that? What was happening to me? I folded my arms over my knees and rested my head against them. Everything just seemed overwhelming.

This should be a very happy time for me. I had everything I'd ever wanted; Sam, friends, a good paying job, parents who loved me, my goal of really becoming Joan was well under way. Why then was I so distraught? The fact that I had no answers to that added to my stress. It was already after ten and I knew that I had to make my way back to the Peters' household. I really didn't want to go there. For a few moments I considered running away. It was thoughts of the twins that kept me where I was.

I knew that if I simply took off that their lives could be in danger. No, I wasn't positive that that was the case, but it was more than a possibility. I bought a small floral bouquet and headed back "home."

Sam smiled at me as I entered. He came over and gave me a big hug and asked if I was alright. I began shaking slightly in his arms with both of my hands wrapped around him while I tightly held the flowers in my hand. I had to keep my game face on for him. I couldn't let him see the real me hiding just beneath the surface. We continued to hold one another and I told him in as enthusiastic voice as I could muster that all was well.

I handed him the small bouquet and told him I hoped he liked them. He gave me a bit of a strange look, but took the carnations and placed them in a vase. They weren't much to look at, but their scent was wonderful. He asked me if I was hungry. I told him that I could eat. I sat at the kitchen table while he prepared a salad with fresh tuna sprinkled throughout.

"You know, you could have told me that the lettuce was spinach," he said and laughed. I laughed with him and replied that I didn't think he'd have eaten it if he'd known. He kept the conversation light and began talking about the game on Saturday. He actually asked me if Darla was coming too. I explained that Darla had made other plans. I didn't have the heart to tell him that but for the twins, I probably wouldn't be going either. I had absolutely no desire whatsoever to sit through a baseball game.

I knew there wasn't anything I could do to protect them but just being there would make me feel better somehow. I finished eating and Sam did the cleaning up. I smiled up at him. We made our way into the living room and Sam made a few feeble attempts to engage me in sexual activity. He could tell that I wasn't in the mood and soon gave up on the idea.

We headed up to bed and both simply crawled in. This would be the first time we shared a bed together without engaging in any kind of sexual activity. He fell asleep while I gently scratched his back.

Friday morning arrived and I woke up feeling a bit more restored. I'd never experienced mood swings such as I'd been having the last few days. Could it have been the hormones, I wondered? I was only glad that this morning I felt alright. Having showered last night I decided to skip it this morning. A splash of cold water on my face was all that I needed to get started on my day.

Aunt Alice was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of "real" coffee in her hands. "I see somebody went food shopping yesterday," she said as I entered the room. "You know, there's plenty of food in the freezer," she continued. I wasn't quite sure how to handle the situation. I didn't want to start a fight with her. I simply replied with an "oh," poured myself a cup and sat down at the table. I longed for my own kitchen.

I guessed that a good part of my depression was tied to simply being here. I wanted to go home. I had no idea what time Sam planned on getting up. I had to eat something and get myself to work. "Would you like some breakfast Aunt Alice?" I asked her.

"I thought I told you to call me Mom?" she replied. My discomfort level jumped a notch. I just couldn't call her that. How could I even tell her without getting her upset?

"Well, would you like something?" I tried again, this time leaving off her "name" completely. She knew what I was doing and didn't make an issue of it. I wound up making us both some scrambled eggs. With breakfast finished and the kitchen in order I made my way across the street. It was crazy I know, but I needed to see Shandy.

The dog seemed beyond happy to see me. She greeted me at the front door and jumped relentlessly on my denim skort. I wrapped my arms around her and covered her with kisses. Aunt Melissa stood in the background taking it all in.

"Are you alright Joan?" she asked in the middle of my encounter with the dog. "Have you had any breakfast?" I felt the tears building in my eyes and knew that I wasn't alright. I wasn't sure that I ever would be again. She came over and hugged me. She escorted me into the kitchen and asked again if I was hungry. I told her that I'd already eaten and just stopped over this morning to see if everything was ok over here. Not the complete truth, but close enough.

I finally said my goodbyes, grabbed my bike and was on my way. The Cohens seemed happy to see me. I took that as a good sign. Four hours later I finished the trim work. Mrs. Cohen smiled at me as she handed me a check for three hundred and twenty dollars. No one had ever paid me by check before. I felt a bit distrustful over the entire situation but I wasn't going to insult her and demand cash. I thanked her for the bit of extra and told her that if she ever needed any painting done in the future to please call me. I handed her my business card and was on my way.

I stopped at the bank on the way home and deposited the check. I hoped it hadn't been a mistake to not demand cash. With Hospin's only a few blocks away, I pedaled over and said hello. Mr. Hospin seemed happy to see me. He said he almost always got calls from satisfied customers thanking him for recommending me. I smiled at him in return. I bade him farewell and pedaled home. I found myself in "my" kitchen making myself a roast beef sandwich. I didn't even stop over to see if Sam was home. Sitting there eating with a cup of strong black coffee to accompany it all. I thought again about all that was happening.

I ran upstairs to the bathroom and took my pills. I decided that it made more sense to keep them with me and tucked my prescriptions into my purse. Thankfully, the house was quiet. I had no idea where Aunt Mel had headed out to, but I was glad that she wasn't here. Next thing I knew I was lying on the floor in the sewing room taking a nap. I had no idea how long I'd slept, but eventually Aunt Melissa shook me awake.

Ah, Friday evening was rapidly approaching. I guessed that Sam would be doing his early curfew routine this evening. I hoped that I wasn't included in those plans. Hell, it was the weekend and I didn't want to be locked indoors at nine o'clock. I went in the kitchen and called Sally.

"Sally?" I asked as she picked up the phone. "It's me, Joan," I said in case she didn't recognize my voice. Before she could say anything else, I asked her if she wanted to do anything this evening.

"Joan! Great to hear from you. And, sure, what did you have in mind?" I smiled into the phone. Sally was definitely in vivacious mode.

"I really didn't have any plans, maybe we could go and hang out on the boardwalk?" I asked her. Just as the words were out of my mouth, I realized that I should probably have consulted with Sam before making any such plans. I sighed aloud.

"What's wrong Joan?"

"Well, I just realized that I should probably talk it over with Sam before making any plans for the evening." She laughed upon hearing my explanation. I only wished that I found the whole thing as funny as she seemed to. We chatted for a bit and I told her I'd call her back within the hour to let her know what was going on. She laughed again and told me she'd await my call.

I made my way across the street. Sam was sitting at the kitchen table with a roast beef sandwich in one hand and a soda in the other. "Sam, you're going to spoil your appetite," I told him. He just looked at me and laughed.

"Sam, did you have any plans for this evening? Sally called and asked if I wanted to go out with her later." He didn't need to know that I'd actually been the one to call her.

"It's alright sweetheart. You know I have an early curfew and I don't feel like doing anything anyway. Well, aside from eating one of your delicious dinners that is," he laughed. I promised him I'd be back in a few minutes and headed back across the street.

It almost seemed silly walking across the street to make a phone call, but it just felt safer somehow. I called Sally back and we made plans to meet at the Webster Avenue entrance at seven thirty. She really seemed excited at the prospect of the two of us getting together. I gave her my cell phone number and explained that it was for emergencies only. I entered her cell into my own phone's memory. We said our goodbyes and I headed downstairs to talk to Aunt Mel for a bit.

Aunt Melissa insisted that Sam and my mother-in-law come over for dinner. I cringed a bit at the in-law reference. Aunt Mel noticed it and simply laughed. I told her that it would be fine as long as she and Mom promised to come over tomorrow for dinner. She told me that she expected nothing less. I then mentioned that if she was making dinner rolls to double up on them if at all possible. She laughed again.

I finally realized, well, I'd known it already, but my real sense of loss was about losing my home. Yes, I knew that I hadn't lost it, not really, but it sure felt like I had. Without being asked, I made the salad for the evening's meal. While I was peeling carrots, Sam came strolling in and asked me just what had happened to me. OK, so it was more than just about losing my home. I really needed some space.

Sam asked Aunt Mel if she was going to come to the game tomorrow. "Well, I don't know, nobody's asked me," she replied. It was Sam's turn to laugh and he informed her that his asking was as much of a formal invitation as she was likely to get. She smiled at him and told him she'd be honored to watch him play. My mood brightened just a little. It might be fun being there with Aunt Melissa.

Sam sauntered back across the street to retrieve his mother for dinner. Aunt Alice and Mom walked in the front door simultaneously. Mom was a bit disconcerted, her routine (a drink and a smoke) had been disturbed.

Finally, the five of us sat down to dinner. My plans for tomorrow's meal went out the window. It seems Aunt Mel had already prepared a chicken dinner. And, she'd made fresh baked bread as well. She sure could teach me a thing or two in the kitchen.

Aunt Melissa started asking Sam all kinds of questions about the team. Sam smiled and answered them all from his vast knowledge and experience. Sure we'd always shared a love of the game, but I never realized that his interest was quite so serious. Both Mom and Aunt Alice made their apologies to Sam and explained to him that they had plans for tomorrow afternoon. Sam seemed devastated by the news.

"Don't worry Sam, Aunt Melissa and I will be there to cheer you on!" He put on a brave smile, but I could tell that he felt just a bit rejected. Neither of the moms explained just why they wouldn't be there.

It was closing in on seven when dinner was finally finished. I smiled to myself as I began clearing the table, remembering all the times in the past when I'd rushed to get it all done. I wasn't so sure that I could get away with simply leaving the oven racks to soak in the sink, but I tried it anyway.

Aunt Mel gave me a dirty look, but I assured her that I'd be back later to clean and put everything away. For some unknown reason she came over and hugged me tight. I wished that I knew why I felt this need to escape.

After what Mom and Aunt Alice had said about not attending tomorrow's game, I felt extremely guilty about going out this evening. Sam looked so damned sad. "Sam, would you like to come to the boardwalk with me and Sally for a bit?" I asked hoping that he'd refuse my offer. He smiled at me sheepishly and thanked me with his eyes.

"If you don't mind?" His response told me that he respected my space. Sure I still felt a bit put upon, but this was my husband and I'd do anything I could to make him happy. I laughed and told him I'd be honored to share his company. I only hoped that Sally didn't mind. I didn't think she would, but you never knew. I considered calling her up and telling her of the change of plans, but then I worried that she'd cancel on me entirely.

I ran upstairs checked my face and Sam and I were out the door. I hadn't noticed until now, but Sam always took the outside position on the sidewalk when we were together. Was he subconsciously protecting me? I knew under current circumstances that if anyone was going to protect anyone, it would be me protecting him. He began swinging our hands to and fro as we made our way to the boardwalk.

"Sally! Over here!" he shouted out to her. Sally had been staring absentmindedly up the block as we approached. She smiled at us both as we drew near.

"And how's my favorite married couple this evening?"

"Sally, you are coming to the game tomorrow, aren't you?" were the first words out of Sam's mouth. Somehow I had to get him to stop doing that. It was getting embarrassing.

"Well, I don't know?" she replied.

I did my best to laugh it off and assured her that Sam asked that question of everyone he came in contact with. That seemed to calm her down a bit. "So, you've got the same tattoo as Joan," he stated watching carefully for her reaction. Sally laughed it off and told him that Darla had the same one too. He raised an eyebrow but made no comment.

We started walking down the boardwalk. Sam took center position and put an arm around my shoulder and Sally's like he was a big star or something. It made Sally smile. It made me feel a bit weird. We stopped at Coor's and I treated everyone to ice cream. It felt really good not having to worry about each and every nickel anymore. I suppose in the back of my mind I knew that each and every nickel was more important now than it ever had been.

Sam seemed really happy and relaxed to be out with us. I was glad for that at least. I was also glad that Sally seemed at ease as well. Sam generally wasn't as at ease around girls as he'd been of late. Perhaps we were simply growing up?

We spent a few minutes in the video arcade. Sam was determined to beat one of the driving machines. Sally and I stood in the background and waited for him to finish. It didn't take long. He walked away a bit irked. I was just happy that he didn't stand there for half an hour trying to beat the machine into submission.

It was closing in on nine o'clock and Sam had to get home. I could tell he didn't want to leave and that he'd have stayed if I didn't force the issue. I asked Sally if she'd walk with us cause Sam had to go home. Since home was only a few blocks from the boardwalk it really wasn't that far out of the way. We got to his front door and stood there and kissed for a minute. I could tell that Sally was getting a bit uncomfortable.

He asked her again before going in: "Sally, you will come tomorrow, won't you?" I wanted to hammer him over the head! She told him that she'd have to check but would be there if she could. He seemed to accept that and told me he expected me home by eleven. I felt like laughing and crying simultaneously. I told him that I wouldn't be too late and kissed him goodbye. I was tired of rules and regulations. It seemed everyone was ordering me about. And that includes my beloved Shandy. I laughed at the thought.

Sally and I made our way back to the boardwalk. She told me that she was glad she got a chance to see Sam. They hadn't encountered one another since the wedding. I smiled at her and told her that it would be nice if she could come to the game tomorrow, but did my best to not make it sound like I was begging. She laughed and told me it probably wouldn't be a problem.

We got back to the boardwalk and Sally wanted to take a walk in the waves. We removed our shoes and headed for the breakers. I felt a tad strange when Sally reached out and grabbed my hand. "Danger Will Robinson," my mind taunted me. She looked at me like I was crazy and held my hand tighter as we continued walking through the surf. She asked me how I liked being married. She seemed a bit surprised when I told her I felt like I had less freedom now than I did as a child living under my mother's roof.

Upon reflecting for a few minutes she agreed that my interpretation of the current state of affairs made sense. She pulled me up short, turned me around and hugged me. My heart began doing triple time in my chest. I was actually worried that she was going to kiss me. Sally sensed my discomfort and told me to just calm down. I giggled nervously and took her advice. In a lot of ways Sally seemed more mature than any of us. We continued hugging for a minute and rubbed each other's backs gently. We headed back to the boardwalk and took a seat on one of the benches.

I brushed off my feet and put my sandals back on. Sally eyed me with disgust as I removed a cigarette from my purse and lit it. "You know, I can almost understand why Darla started smoking, but I can't imagine for the life of me why you did?" I couldn't help but wonder just what she meant about Darla and felt compelled to ask.

"What do you mean about understanding why Darla does it?" I asked as smoke billowed through my nostrils. I sat there staring at her feeling more stupid with each passing second.

"Err, nothing," she replied a bit too quickly.

"You know about her accident, don't you Sally?"

I saw signs of confusion and worry in her eyes. She grabbed my free hand tightly and said, "yes Joan, I know, but you must never tell Darla that I do." My own eyes were now swimming in confusion. Why all the secrecy? OK, so perhaps it was a lot easier dealing with the world if no one knew. But, why the secrecy between themselves? Darla and Sally had been best friends ever since the Raspberrys moved to town.

"Sally, you have to know that I'll never say a word about it," I promised. "It's getting late, are you sure you're going to be alright walking home alone?" I had to ask.

"It's ok Joan, my brother Charlie is going to pick me up at Webster Ave. at eleven." As it was now ten of the hour, I decided to wait with her till he arrived. It felt good to be away from everyone if only for awhile. I vowed then and there that I'd have to schedule some time for just "me" on a regular basis.

Having waved goodbye to Sally, I found myself staring awkwardly in two directions. One, was the ocean and the special allure it held for me. The other was home. I would have headed back to the surf, but I knew Sam had his game tomorrow and I didn't want to keep him up worrying about me. I briskly walked to my new home determined to make the best of it...

Chapter 3

Dancing in the Dark

I arrived at the Peters' home and realized that I didn't have a key. It was now eleven thirty and the house was completely dark. Now what the hell was I supposed to do? Should I knock on the door and wake everyone up? Was Sam worried about me? It certainly didn't seem so. I stood in front of the door with my head shaking involuntarily from side to side and made my way across the street: home...

I removed my key from my purse and carefully let myself in. Shandy was all over me in seconds, tail wagging and jumping up and down on my bare legs. I followed my memory through the dark and into the kitchen. It was too late for coffee so I made myself a cup of tea. As I sat at the table thinking things over, Shandy continually assaulted me. She tried desperately to jump up into my lap. I'd never seen her do that before. If my parents had taught her one thing it was that the table was off limits.

She looked up at me with those big sad eyes and I figured she was hungry. Her tail began wagging rapidly as I stood up and partially filled her bowl with some leftovers from the fridge. One problem solved I thought as I made my cup of herbal tea. I sat at the table and broke my own rule. A cup of tea and a cigarette. I wasn't really sure why I was feeling so out of sorts. Was it the same for Sam? It irked me a bit that I'd been locked out and he'd apparently gone to sleep without me.

All of a sudden I began worrying that something was wrong. A bit of a panic attack assaulted me. Hell, he had my cell phone number. Everyone had my cell phone number. If some kind of emergency had arisen, wouldn't they have called? I removed the phone from my purse and checked it. It was in obvious working order and there were no messages for me. I began to calm down a bit. If it hadn't been so late, I'd have called Aunt Vivian. I really needed to talk to someone.

It was midnight when I realized that my place was with Sam. I couldn't simply leave him to twist in the wind. What if he woke up in the middle of the night and found me gone? It would probably scare the hell out of him. I picked up the phone and dialed his number. I began to worry with each passing ring and no answer. On the tenth ring Aunt Alice picked up. I explained to her that I was locked out and could she please open the front door for me. She surprised me by telling me to simply stay where I was and that they'd see me in the morning. Whoa!

I hung up the phone feeling worse than I had before I even called. Shandy having finished her food began whining at the back door. I let her out and sat back down at the table. Had I done something wrong here? If not, then why was I being punished? I let the dog back in, and made my way into the sewing room. Thankfully, my blanket and pillows were still on the top shelf in the closet. I laid down on the floor and Shandy came in and curled up beside me. Her wagging tale thumped silently against my thigh. I was so grateful for her company that I hugged her tightly to my chest. I slowly drifted off though each breath was filled with worry.

I was awakened by the smell of coffee brewing. Like a junkie in need of a fix I pulled on my clothes and stumbled into the kitchen. "Ah, she lives!" Aunt Mel exhorted. I issued a sad smile and filled my cup. The kitchen clock informed me that it was just after nine. I figured that Sam was up by now, so with coffee cup in my hand I dialed his number. He reacted as if all were normal and asked me if I had a good time with Sally last night.

I was totally taken aback. He simply seemed not to care. Hell, he hadn't missed me at all. I told him that I'd see him at the game later on. Sam told me he loved me and got off of the phone. I was both elated and a bit peeved. I wasn't sure whether or not to call Sally and ask her yet again if she wanted to come. Was I just pestering her? I sighed aloud and dialed her number.

"Sally? It's me, Joan. Well, can you make it this afternoon?" I asked and laughed. I didn't want to appear too anxious. After a few hems and haws she told me resignedly that she'd be happy to come. I didn't miss a beat and told her that it really wasn't necessary if she didn't want to. She seemed relieved at hearing it, but restated her desire to join us. I thanked her and told her we'd pick her up at noon. Hell, I hadn't even asked Aunt Mel if it would be ok. I didn't think she'd object to the additional company.

It was then that I realized I didn't even know where Sally lived. I didn't want to call her back just to ask for her address, so I got out the phone book and looked it up. She lived on Beemer Street, a two mile ride from my house. It's a good thing that she never took me up on my offers to walk her home.

"What would you like for breakfast?" Aunt Melissa asked, shaking me out of my reverie. I told her whatever she felt like making was fine with me. She laughed at that and began frying up some eggs. "So, are you all ready for the baseball game?" she went on. I told her that I was, though I wasn't really sure I meant it. It just didn't seem important to me at all.

We sat there eating our breakfast and I realized that the Waves were undefeated: eleven wins and no losses. No county team had ever amassed a better record. They were a good bet to win the state championships at the end of August. The final game deciding the winner would be held in just a few more weeks. . Where had the summer gone? I was so proud of Sam and his accomplishments and a bit worried too given his current condition.

I cleaned up the kitchen in a semi-catatonic state. Aunt Mel seemed to know that I wasn't 100% with her. She gave me the space that I needed. With the kitchen totally cleaned up it was still only ten thirty. I got out my notebook and started making calls to line up work for next week. I smiled as I remembered that we were going to have band practice tomorrow. I'd have to find some time at some point today to practice a bit. With five jobs scheduled and one maybe, I headed up to the bathroom to make myself pretty.

I decided to tempt fate and put on my sundress. It was the same one I'd been wearing when Dad had assaulted me not too many weeks ago. I put on my wedgies and made my way back downstairs. Taking my morning pills had become such a part of my routine that I hardly even noticed it anymore. I did however notice the slight puffiness of my breasts and my nipples were in a constant state of increased sensitivity. It was more than I'd hoped for. My mind was all over the place. Soon, Sam's first trimester would be completed and then I could stop worrying a bit. Most miscarriages occurred during that time frame.

Back in the here and now, I examined myself in the sewing room mirror. My hair was just so, my makeup was perfect, my necklace stood out against my chest, my ankle bracelet also announced my name for all the world to see. I laughed to myself as I realized that at least I'd never forget my name. I just wished that I could snap out of this funk that I seemed trapped in.

It was closing in on noon and I told Aunt Melissa that we'd better get started if we wanted to get there in time. She smiled at me and told me she was thinking the same thing. Aunt Mel, not one to waste money brought an insulated cooler bag filled with sandwiches and sodas. I smiled at her thinking that I wouldn't have to risk another trip to the concession stand. Generally I wasn't afraid of anything, but lately? Well, I couldn't say that it was the case any longer. I'd become a lot more wary of my surroundings since becoming Joan.

I directed Aunt Mel to Sally's house. She seemed happy for the company. Along the way I asked her if she knew just what Mom and Aunt Alice were up to this afternoon. She simply smiled at me and told me that she had no idea. We arrived at Sally's and she was out on the front porch waiting for us. I got in the back with her and complimented her on her attire. She was wearing a sun dress very similar to my own, though no one would ever mistake us for sisters.

We arrived at the stadium and found decent seats just a few rows behind the home team dugout. The overall turnout was a little lighter than usual. I guessed that a lot of people were simply away on vacation.

Out of the blue Sally asked me, "is everything alright between you and Sam?" I hadn't really thought about things in that way and I was at a loss for words for a few moments. I looked out to the field where the team had finally made its entrance and watched Sam as he began throwing his warm-up tosses.

"Yeah Sally, everything's fine," I said at last and sent Sam a special cheer. Sally looked at me dubiously not sure whether to believe me or not. I gave her a special smile and her mood brightened. Aunt Mel informed us that it had been years since she'd last been to a baseball game. She went on to explain that the last time she'd been was when my cousin Melissa was playing softball back in high school. She seemed a bit amazed at the facility provided for a bunch of kids to play ball.

The star spangled banner was sung and the game began. I felt a heaviness in my heart and knew that I just didn't want to be there. To say anything at that point would have been absurd. Aunt Melissa was here to cheer on Sam and Sally was here because I'd asked her to come. And now? Now I just wanted to be anywhere but here.

Fortunately, the game was a quick one. Before I knew it, it was the top of the fifth. The Waves clung to a one run lead. I found myself wondering if Dr. Feingold was in the stands. It was only the fifth, but Sam looked like he was getting tired. He was taking a little too much time between pitches. With two outs, the Eagles had the bases loaded. Even from where I was sitting, I could see the look of worry on my sweetheart's face. He tuned out the entire world and simply focused on the catcher's mitt in front of him.

The batter swung mightily and the ball dribbled a few feet in front of home plate. The catcher quickly scooped it up and stepped on home plate. The inning was over. A loud sigh of relief echoed through the stands as the Waves headed back to the dugout. I was really beginning to worry about Sam. He came to bat and hit a line drive, just fair down the left field line. His mile-wide smile beat him to second base; standing up. The Waves managed to bat him in and the top of the sixth began.

The Eagles came to bat and Sam made short work of the first two batters. Then it happened. With two outs and no one on base the batter hit a line drive right back to the mound. Sam's reflexes weren't quite up to the task and the ball struck him right in the hip as his body finished the follow through. He collapsed where he stood. The crowd seemed far more upset that a runner had reached base than it was about Sam. I started running for the field. Just as she'd done at the doctor's office, Aunt Mel restrained me. Two of the coaches escorted Sam off the field. A smattering of applause echoed through the stands as he was helped off the field and into the clubhouse.

That was all the baseball I'd be watching that afternoon. With clear presence of mind I made my way to the announcer's booth. I begged the young man calling the game to please ask Dr. Feingold to report to the locker room immediately. He made the request and went back to his task. I needn't have bothered. She was already there when I walked into the clubhouse. Sam was curled up in a ball on a table and clutching his side. I've never been so scared in my life.

I was the only one with a look of worry on my face. The good doctor seemed totally calm and soon, Sam did as well. I began worrying what would have happened if he'd been seriously hurt and the doctor wasn't around. Dr. Feingold completed her examination and actually gave me a hug and told me there was nothing to be concerned about. My mind was full of doubts as I reached my husband.

"What happened?" he asked in a state of confusion. I told him to get changed that we were going home. He'd have none of it. Although he was out of the game, he wasn't going to leave until it was over. In a sense I admired his loyalty to the team. I was also a bit peeved that he seemed to be taking it all so nonchalantly.

Sally and Aunt Melissa both stood in the background not saying a word. I was done watching baseball. Aunt Mel, like Sam, wanted to see the end of the game. I could tell that Sally didn't care one way or the other so I asked her if she'd go for a walk with me. I asked Aunt Melissa for the car keys and told her she could simply meet us there when the game was over. She handed them to me, but not before making me promise that I wouldn't attempt driving anywhere.

Sally and I made our way back to the car. We got in the front seats and she turned on the radio. She didn't say a word as I lit my cigarette. Could I possibly make Sam see that he was endangering the lives of the twins? I knew that I couldn't. Finally Aunt Mel came out to the car. The Waves winning record remained in tact. She started talking about how exciting it was, but I totally tuned her out. Sally just looked like she wanted to go home. She held my hand tightly as Aunt Melissa drove us back to our domains.

"Thanks for coming Sally. I know you didn't want to. Still, I don't know how I'd have made it through if you hadn't been there with me. Thank you." She smiled at me and gave me a hug and assured me that's what friends are for. We dropped Sally off and it was then that Aunt Mel told me that Dr. Feingold had spoken with her. She said that if there was any sign of spotting (bleeding) to call her immediately. I was a nervous wreck.

I knew that Sam wouldn't say a word about it if it occurred. What was I supposed to do? Follow him around and watch him every time he went to the bathroom? Actually, I considered doing just that but knew it would be impossible. Still, I'd have to convince him that this was very serious and that he'd have to tell me immediately if there were any signs of blood.

We went back to Mom's and I began helping Aunt Melissa prepare dinner. We hadn't touched any of the food she'd brought to the game. I didn't have much of an appetite. I assured myself that Sam would finish it all off sooner or later. Aunt Mel reminded me that I was supposed to be making dinner this evening and laughed it off. I made the salad and went in the backyard to play with the dog and have yet another cigarette. I was becoming too damned dependent on the nicotine and promised myself to quit before I started damaging my own body.

Mom and Aunt Alice came sauntering in all smiles around five thirty. When I asked them where they'd been they both fell silent. It was closing in on six and still no word from Sam. I went over to his house to wait for him. I borrowed Aunt Alice's key and she told me to keep it, she had a spare. One problem solved, I thought as I made my way across the street.

At six thirty Aunt Mel came across the street to get me. There was still no word from Sam. I wasn't going to be eating anything till I knew he was alright. I told her to go back inside and that I'd be over as soon as he arrived. Finally, at seven o'clock coach pulled up in front of the house with the bus. Once again I was both relieved and angry. Relieved that he was alright and angry that he'd left me to twist in the wind this way.

He totally disarmed me with a hug and a kiss. "Were you worried about me?" he asked. The coach just sat there behind the wheel of the bus and refused to move. I turned around, opened the front door and closed it behind me. Sam stood there talking to the coach. I couldn't believe it. I'd been worried sick about him all afternoon and he acts like he just came home from a walk in the park. After a few minutes and with them still out there, I left the house and headed for the boardwalk. It was my turn to disappear. Sam didn't say a word to me as I walked past him and headed for the ocean.

Well, I wanted to be alone and now I was. I finally remembered I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast. Now what was I supposed to do? Was he really that dense? For some reason, the boardwalk had lost its charm. I didn't want to be here either. What the hell was wrong with me? I began wandering aimlessly. My goal; to be anywhere Sam wouldn't find me. Given his condition I found myself hoping that he wouldn't try. I'd never suffered so many mood swings in my life. It had to be the pills.

I found myself sitting at a table in a beach front eatery. I was staring down at the sausage hero and fries sitting in front of me. I didn't even remember ordering anything. I was beginning to get scared. I slowly ate my food and surveyed my surroundings. Everyone seemed to be having a good time. Everyone but me, that is. I asked for a bag to put the remnants of my meal in. I was going to walk to the ocean and feed it to the starving gulls.

I had more fun feeding them a fry at a time than I'd had doing anything all day. They'd snatch them right out of the air as I tossed them high overhead. I sat there with my feet getting wet and throwing food at the gulls for quite some time. Finally a voice came out of nowhere. "So there you are!" it exclaimed. I looked up and saw Fred and Darla walking side by side towards me. They told me that they stopped at my house and Sam told them the last he knew I was headed off in this direction. At least I knew he was alright. I almost felt angrier with him for not coming after me.

Darla sat down on one side of me and Fred on the other. They both snuggled close and hugged me tight. Almost as if muttering a mantra they said simultaneously that everything was going to be alright. It made me smile and laugh but also creeped me out just a wee bit. I felt really stupid doing it, but I asked them if Sam looked ok. They both told me that he seemed fine. Should I just go back home? It didn't seem as if Sam cared where I was or what I was doing. I didn't want to see him now, it would just cause an argument.

"So, what are you two up to?" I asked as cheerfully as I could.

"Well, we came out looking for our friend," Darla replied and smiled at me. I was really glad these two had found each other. I knew that Darla deserved some real happiness in her life. Silly thing to say about someone with all of the advantages that Darla had. Still, I was finally beginning to see the torment that had made her the person she was today.

"Thanks for coming," I told them with a sadness in my voice that I couldn't conceal. They just leaned in and hugged me tighter. I couldn't help but think that Sam should be the one sitting here next to me. He really knew how to get to me. Anyway, if we were together at this moment, I'd probably be badgering him to give up baseball till next year. I knew in my heart that he loved me, but if it ever came down to choosing between me and the game I was more than afraid that I'd come out in a distant second place.

I forced myself to stand up and started walking along the breakers. Fred and Darla rose and followed my lead. "What's wrong Joan?" Darla asked. I explained what had happened at the game that afternoon and Darla almost went into shock. "Oh my God! I had no idea! Sam seemed fine when we saw him, but I wasn't examining him for any injuries. Maybe he should give up baseball until the twins are born?"

She'd voiced my sentiments exactly. I patiently explained that there was no way in hell that that was ever going to happen. I had no idea how to proceed. Should I just be the loving, stoic wife? Bite my tongue and hope for the best? Yes, these were my babies but this was his life. Was baseball more important to him than the lives of our children? I felt a quick flash of horror as I recalled the ball striking him in the hip and his sudden collapse. Was there anything I could do? I felt totally helpless as I continued to walk. Each step seemed to take me deeper into despair.